i miss stephanie. alot.

it's been 4 years since my sister died. every year i go into a depression, re-live every moment, cry every night until i'm worn out, and curse the heavens and a few people that my sister isn't here for me to grow old with.

i know the pain won't go away. i know it's supposed to get easier to bear, eventually. i know i need to grieve. i just wish i could be a bit neater about it.

see, i am a sloppy crier. my nose runs, my face screws up, tears pour all over my face and drip off my jaw. i can't talk because my chin spasms and my throat constricts and i heave with sobs. it's just not pretty.

i always wanted to cry like meryl streep in sophie's choice - beautiful, fat tears roll down one porcelain cheek, such deep sadness in those huge blue eyes - heartbreaking and attractive. no wonder she's a movie star.

me, not so much. not only am i consumed with crying while i'm crying, my eyes are red for days after a crying jag, and i have to plead allergies to cover it up, because if i say it's because i've been crying, i start crying all over again which makes my eyes redder.

so i miss my big sister. and she would ridicule me for everything i've written so far, because she is my big sister. was. is. she still is my big sister, even though i've been on the earth longer than she.

and if there is a heaven, you can bet she's gloating that she'll never get wrinkley or saggy or arthritic.

bitch.

too many questions.

thinking of the families and friends in Virginia, sending all my good thoughts and strength. such pain they have, and will have, for longer than anyone should. can anyone live a life without tragedy? will we as a species ever learn to be peaceful and love ourselves and love each other unconditionally and be worthy of that love? how does someone find themselves so unable to cope that they can only destroy?

when does it end?

no answers, no answers...