find a way

Update and so long

2009-05-27T17:59:00.001-07:00

Maia is doing very well. She had a check up about a month ago, and her heart rate was at 140, which is practically in the normal range. She still has an arrhythmia, and still needs lots of meds, but she is doing very well. I'm hoping for a few months more with her, and I'll be glad to have more than that. As long as she's feeling good and happy in the dog way, I'm thankful for whatever time we have.

And. I think I'm finished with the blog thing. I find I have less and less to say, and fewer reasons to disturb the silence of the universe.

I've wondered if there was a Horton out there to hear my yop, and I've been happy to hear from some. I hope that my experiences with my medically challenged, humongous fluffiga sweetheart of a pup has helped other dog moms and dads.

I'm not sure how long they'll keep the site up if there's no action, but I figure one less blog will make way for better voices. For now, I will take my sweet pup for her walk.

xxoo,
jenn

business

2009-04-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

as in being busy, the busy-ness of life. Maia is doing so well, it's hard to see her sickness. today was much warmer than usual, up to mid-60's, and her afternoon walk was a bit warm, I think. She took a while to cool down and slow down her breathing. The coolest part of the day is the morning, so we'll start taking *ugh* morning walks.

I have never been a morning exerciser. I've tried, with all good intentions, to get up extra early for a jog or a walk or a swim. I just love my warm bed. I hurt in the morning. I'm sleepy after I exercise. My shoes are too far away. Just 5 more minutes.

If anything can drag my sorry buttocks out of a warm comfy bed and get these creaking joints out on the road, it's the knowledge that it's good for pup.

Plus I'm in school again, plus I'm doing more stage combat training, plus I'm pushing my workouts to get ready for weapons renewals. Plus spring is springing and I Have Garden Plans! Plus I'm old and slow.

Maia's going to love the morning walks.

pupdate!

2009-03-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

the pup is doing pretty well. I've been focusing on getting her eating/meds schedule down, and honestly, I've been afraid to post anything for fear her good health would change. Blogs can be intimidating that way, fo r me, anyway - I want to have good news, always. And so I do, mostly, luckily.

I had thought that I wouldn't take her back to the U Vet, because it's so scary for her. She's been so strong lately, though, that I think it'll be ok, if I can keep her visit simple. They do like to do the tests. Hours and hours of waiting, testing, conferring - I just want to get her in, check her over, take the blood, and out. We'll see if that happens.

Spring is taking its sweet time, as usual. I have a new feeder for the finches, and they've finally discovered it! Juncos and black-capped chickadees are loving it too. I've been feeding all my critters this year, and I think it's paid off. I feed the squirrels corn, and the rabbits get alphalfa pellets, resulting in my shrubs not being nibbled to bits! And I have suet for the woodpeckers, adn sunflower seeds for the jays and cardinals, and mix for everyone else. It's a regular Old Country Buffet. Without the fried okra.

hopeful news

2009-01-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

Maia's blood culture came back clear! That means she did not have an infection in her heart, which means her heart isn't as damaged as they thought, which means she has a much longer prognosis, more like 6 to 12 months, which means I'm a very thankful mom. She still gets a good handful of pills every day of her life, plus her Addison meds, and I'm working on finding the best online vet drug sites for the best prices. I was squeaking by before, but I'll figure out how to get her meds somehow.

I'm just so thankful she has more healthy time than we first thought. I'm determined to make whatever time we have with her as happy as we can.

She teaches me so much. She only sees today, now, this minute. There's no tomorrow in her mind, so there's no worrying. She only wants to be with the people and creatures she loves. She loves completely and without any judgement or agenda. She revels in the pleasures of her life: eating, sleeping, scritches, walks, patroling, cuddles. Life is beautifully simple.

She is beautiful.

god jul

2008-12-25T07:30:00.000-08:00

Not really celebrating this year. Dear sweet Maia-pup has been diagnosed with heart failure, probably endocarditis, an infection in the heart itself. The house is now covered in meds and research and things to treat shaved spots. Maia's health will be a rollercoaster. Her vet says that she could live for weeks or months, and she is doing well for now.

Last week, I came home from visiting my brother, and saw that pup's belly was big, too big. She has an hour-glass figure, and she was filled out to a pear shape. She also had a cough, a hard, percussive panting that just sounded off. I called the vet, and they had me bring her in, fearing bloat. After an x-ray, they saw that it was not bloat, but her heart was enlarged, and her abdomen was filled with fluid. The fluid was pushing on her lungs and organs, putting huge stress on them.

We raced to the University Vet where we'd been for her Addison's diagnosis and countless other visits. Into the ER, her heart rate was 260, she was shocky, and they started treatment. Everything blurred, I waited for the vet to come back with more information.

Heart failure. Into ICU for more tests and stabilization. Typically a very shortened life. Lots of meds. I could visit that evening.

When I came back, they gave me an update. They had drained 4.4 liters of fluid from her belly. Her mitral valve was damaged. She had a fever, so it was most probably endocarditis, and an even shorter prognosis: weeks, maybe a month or two. She is 8, a senior citizen. I gave my permission for do not resuscitate. This was real.

I sat with her at her cage in ICU that first night. She was hooked up to monitors and tubes, her coat was a patchwork of shaved spots so the machines could do their work. She felt so bad. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, trying to bring her back.

I spoke with Dr. M about how important it was for her to have quality of life. Will she have her life back? Will she enjoy food and walks and naps and barking at the world again? Dr. M said that at that point, there was still hope. The next day or two would tell us.

When I visited her, after that initial visit, I could take her from her cage to a dark little cubical that had blankets and furniture, and she would lay down next to me, snuggled up, sometimes with a portable machine to give IV meds. Her sides were shaved and I could feel her heart struggling to push blood through to her body. It jumped and stalled and fluttered. How will she recover from this? I would sit on the floor with her, my hand over her heart willing it to calm.

I prayed to my sister Stephanie to watch over Maia while I was gone, and to comfort her. I didn't want pup to be alone. I imagined Steph there with us, sitting on the floor on the other side of Maia, her hand on Maia's heart, too.

As with her Addison's ICU stay, she hadn't eaten, and barely drank. She would eat snow, and the vets would scoop bowls for her every couple of hours. Such wonderful people. I got her home on the third day, and still no interest in food. Burger, chicken, biscuits, nothing worked.

Day four and she ate a little poached chicken, and was especially interested after I took a few bites. She needs 22 pills every day, so we got wonton wrappers, filled them with her meds, and made slippery med dumplings to shove down her big gullet. Dr. M said we were brilliant.

Day five and more chicken, more dumplings, a biscuit and a couple of short walks! And she continues to improve. She is now eating some kibble, taking big naps, going for 15 minute walks, barking at the neighborhood, even bouncing a bit in anticipation of her walks. I made her a fleece coat to protect her bald spots from the cold (it's -2 today). She is her happy if subdued self.

Her path will have periods of improvement, then dips in health, recovery to a lesser level, dip, recovery, dip, and so on until her heart stops. I hope it's quick and in her sleep. To just drift off, into Stephanie's arms is my hope for her.

schools out!

2008-12-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! just finished my last paper and I'm glad to have my evenings back for a bit. I feel so lucky to get to cram more knowledge bits into my feeble brains, and it's even paid for through work.

My next class is supposedly the most difficult of my degree. I've purposefully left it for the winter, when my biggest chore is to move copious amounts of snow off the sidewalks. The long, dark evenings will be easily filled with seeking knowledge. With a capital N.

and this is my dark, sneaky photo of pup, so I don't wake her with annoying flash:

ooo.

and this is my little tree.

my next project is to change my unused small bedroom into a real, true, walk-in closet. What luxury! And I even have all the materials, so no expense. Well, maybe a little paint...

Singing and dancing

2008-11-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

I am thrilled. I've been hunkered down for 8 years, and Ive officially un-hunkered. I envy those in Chicago, where I used to live. I would have been in that crowd in a heartbeat. I shed so many tears of relief and admiration last night, and I danced in my tv room, dancing with those Chicago souls and the people in the streets here, and the people across the US who have hope, audacious hope that, in our new president, we have the possibility of redemption in the world's eyes.

A president who speaks beautifully! I actually look forward to him speaking! What a beautiful thing.

Monday night, I was in a shower stall at the community center after my swim, and I heard the high, piping slightly tuneless voice of a small child singing and enjoying the echo chamber of the larger shower room as she showered. "Oh-Baa-Ma! Ooo-baaa-Maaa! I been workin ona railrooad, aalla live long daaaayyy! Ooo-Baaaaaa_Maaaaaaa, ..." repeat ad infinitum. I was tempted to start singing along with her, but I didn't want to freak her out or give her the shys.

I've been singing it all day today, though.

sweet respite

2008-11-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

Today was a big day. I had book club at my place with my choice, The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, who is actually local to my sweet town and he gave a reading at a church when it came out, very cool. Pup is a fabulous host, and doubles as a large napkin. I am required to have bacon and coffee available for my book peeps, and anything else is up to me.

I also had due a rather large paper for class. Toffee helps me think.

And it's beautiful outside, which is pretty rare this time of year. So I soaked in a few rays. There's pup in the background. Fluffy little butt.
And I put out one of my sunflower heads for the squirrel, and within 30 minutes he had reduced it to a pile of bits.
And have I shown off my new shelves? So grown-up.

And now, I need ice cream. or maybe a walk with pu. I'm pooped.

school's starting

2008-10-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

my next class has begin, and I'm feeling a little more confident this time around. I am still torn, that I'm entrenching still deeper into the corporate business world. Life would be so much simpler if I could just win the Lottery. After taking care of my family and my future I would:

travel around the world

get a farm with sheep for pup to hang out with

learn several languages

learn to whittle

plant a huge victory garden and have time to tend it

go on a month-long canoe trip

hike the Appalachian Trail

I think the Lottery isn't about winning the big bucks. It's about hope.

the slope

2008-09-17T16:09:00.001-07:00

I have finished digging up my front slope! the retaining wall is built, the soil augmented, and mulch mulched. Slowly I've been transplanting flowers and shrubs and grasses. It really feels good to have this ready for planting, like finishing the base paint on a canvas; all that's left is to fill it in.

My Bench!

2008-09-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

With my brother's calculations, I was able to build this lovely bench for my little tree. I used the lumber salvaged from my fence after it was crunched last summer, and I had just enough.

That's pup in the background, sniffing where her butt was. Such a delicate flower.

Summer rocks

2008-08-19T17:59:00.001-07:00

we had us a seafood boil. that's some yum.

those white chunks are butter. you heard me.

I made a white shade for my porch years ago, and we named it Martha. It works beautifully.

we all felt like we needed to bathe about mid-way through the feast.

B and MB out-ate us all. They're professionals.

T chilling with the Pup. Wise choice.

It was a beautiful day, in the 80's, a nice breeze, sunny, low humidity. I love summer.

i really need a staff of about 5....

2008-07-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've finished my pentagagonal bench! I consulted with my brother, the math tutor, and he gave the the calculations for lengths and angles, and with a little fudging, it's finished.

i've been focusing on gardening, trimming the hedges and trees, making new flower beds. This is a yet-to-be flower bed --

And this is the front of my little house --

So. My staff. I need a gardener for the heavy labor, a house cleaner for the house I'm neglecting, a nanny for the pup so I don't feel guilty going to work every day, a cook since lately I've been surviving on cereal and apples, and a driver because that would be cool.

I would also like to take a vacation and do nothing but work on my garden and house. I'm ready to win the powerball.

And my wrist is better, a little. I'll check with the doc, but I think it's ok. A twinge here and there, but it's better than it was.

gots the carpal

2008-06-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

for the past 10 weeks, I've been doing the usual office job 8 to 5 thing, plus the online school at night thing, plus swimming on occasion thing, plus the stage combat thing.

the stage combat thing is part of the actor thing, and includes sword work and knife work and pretending to die in gruesome ways, and it's a big wrist and forearm workout.

My wrists are feeling the stress, and my right arm is sparkling with nerve pain up to my neck. I've slowed down a bit and my nerves are taking their time recovering, despite ice and ibuprofen. The doc sez to rest it, and I'm trying to.

how does one accessorize a wrist brace?

And now summer is upon us, in all its glory.

pretty.

school days

2008-05-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

I'm back in school! I'm going for my second undergrad degree, a BS in Biz, hoping to get better credentials for my current job, and the possibility of a better job and better salary. An a messier house, but that's beside the point.

I was hesitant to start one of these. I didn't want to admit that the corporate world would be my occupation for the long run. I still had hope I'd be in the arts somewhere. But that would require living like a student again, and I really love my little house.

so I'm learning how to site references, and respond to posts my classmates have submitted, and writing papers and completing reading assignments. I get nervous as I hit the "submit" button, and I glow with pride when I get good grades. I wish I could take more classes at the same time to get through faster - maybe over the winter, when I have less yard work to do.

by the way, I mowed my lawn today. the earliest in 4 years. And we expected (and didn't get!) snow over the weekend. what crazy weather we're having.

roadtrip!

2008-04-19T07:25:00.001-07:00

we headed south to visit some family last weekend. as we covered the miles, we left behind the latest snowfall, to brown grass and empty trees, until finally the green began! and flowers! and leaves! so lovely, food for the wintered soul.

Here we are on the road....

... and puppy snorfling the flowers she's about to pee on....

...And puppy in repose.

Now we're back up north, and the brown of my yard and flower beds is calling for attention. today I'll head out with rake and clippers and clean things up as well I can. My crocuses are up! small buds are peeking out! an exciting time.

ooo, and I've decided to make a septic system for my pup's poo. there are systems you can buy, and there are do-it-yourself systems that I think I'm going to try. It involves a garbage can with the bottom removed, septic enzymes and digging a big hole. yay digging!

and I recently heard a phrase that I love for gardener geeks: Dirt Manicure.

happy spring!

2008-03-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

i shouldn't be surprised. i know that spring in the north comes about mid-May, and i should wait to plant garden seeds until June. i'd still like a green March, call me nutty.

i think i'll go skiing.

summer!! aaaaagh!!

2008-03-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

really, really wanting summer to be here. in these northern climes, I find that February is the toughest month. if we could just skip the month, excluding certain birthdays, the year would flow a little better.

but no. no, no, noooo.

February drags on. we get a little snow to break things up, but mostly it's just really cold and icy. the days get a little longer, and the sunny days help, but oh, the February funk sets in.

i am officially a little stir-crazy. dreaming of green grass, warm sun, even bugs buzzing as I weed. scouring my gardening catalogs, planning which vegetation to plant, what will be dug up, what I will build this year.

I cling to the gorgeous photos in the magazines, put myself in the middle of it, and soothe my soul with watering my little house plants.

I'll make it to spring. but I may need to visit a few flower shops in the meantime.

from the top of the world

2008-02-16T18:26:00.000-08:00

just got back from the swiss alps.

kid you not.

m's brother has a place there, and we were so lucky to stay with him and his family. a beautiful trip.

more photos from the m:

helloooo

2008-01-25T19:47:00.001-08:00

just how many photos of pup do i have anyway? i think i want to record her so that when she's gone, i can find again that feeling of exactly how much i love this little furball.

i am constantly aware of how finite my time with her is. every month she gets her life-giving shot. every day she has medication. i give her scritches and massages and cuddles, fully aware that it stimulates and strengthens her already compromised immune system.

and she lives In The Now, like we humans are encouraged to do from whatever guru is popular. she loves every minute of her life. she has no idea the effort put forth for her survival and health, and that's ok - i think she does realize that i will protect her with my own life, and she would do the same for me, especially against the Evil Bunnies.

she's ferocious when it comes to the Evil Bunnies.

so I take photos, have albums, my phone is full of pics and movies, i have this blog. the gods know her fur is every-freakin-where. i think she'll be with me for much longer that i can imagine.

it's cold out there...

2008-01-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

ah, winter... working on several projects, since i don't have gardening to do. i fixed my back entrance floor, and just put on a coat of wax. i painted the back stairway, and put up new hooks for hats, leashes and grilling equipment.

january and february are planning months. house projects, garden projects, garage projects.

i working on the plans for a television cabinet/bookshelf/storage thing. i'm figuring out what to plant in the garden. i'm planning mire front yard flower garden.

it just doesn't end. and i don't think i want it to.

Family ties

2007-11-25T13:47:00.000-08:00

Had the usual suspects over for Thanksgiving and we fried the bird this year. And potatoes and stuffing and sweet potatoes and green beans. MB wanted to fry the pie, but I cut her off. Everything was really tasty - i think we've found a winning way of cooking! Fast, too, and Aaron's son actually ate - a stamp of approval all it's own.

We each take a holiday - I have Thanksgiving and sometimes New Years, Troy and MB take Halloween, Aaron (sometimes Maynard) takes Christmas, and we all rotate the assorted summer celebrations. We enjoy our favorite games or foods, we laugh a lot, and we all think we know the best way to grill a burger.

We still commune with our families, but families being what they are, those events are usually stressful, filled with bad food, and riddled with guilt. We of the chosen family take special pleasure in spending holidays with each other.

There are families you're born into, and then there are families you chose, although sometimes they chose you. And 'though I love being with my blood family - most of them anyway - they exhaust me. I feel pressured to be what they expect me to be, and I feel myself changing from who I've become to try to please everyone, and somehow I never feel up to par. Exhausting.

But when we have a choice in those we love, I think there's more acceptance and less judgement. And better turkey. For which I'm very thankful.

I hope everyone in blogland has many things to be thankful for!

just a little quiet

2007-11-13T18:46:00.000-08:00

just got back from a beautiful weekend away. we go to this great lodge about 5 hours away, so far from city lights that every star is visible, and the milky way looks more like cream. we took pup along, and on a couple of our nocturnal walks, i saw shooting stars! i sometimes wish i could live in the country - the quiet, being closer to natural rhythms, the quiet, the quiet, and did i mention the quiet? heavenly.

i have a love/hate relationship with quiet. i adore the way lack of noise throbs against my head when i finally find it, the way i can feel it fill up the space around me like expandable insulation foam. i love to sit and think about everything and nothing, i love to be with those really good friends who let silence come and go naturally.

however, in my home, i do my best to banish it. i have radios all over the house, all programmed to the same station (npr, what a liberal) and they play 24/7. at night, i have a fan going all year long in the bedroom for white noise to sleep to. i have the tv on every evening, even if i'm not watching.

from a practical standpoint, the constant noise keeps pup from constantly barking, or so i once thought. i think i find all the voices reassuring, too, and it makes the house less lonely.

while we were away, there was no constant radio, no fan, no voices except for our own. and pup didn't bark more than usual, and i wasn't lonely, and i slept like a rock. the daily hikes probably helped that, too!

and so, an experiment; i will turn off all of my radios, the tv, the fan, and see if i can sit with only my thoughts, my voice, and pup's barks. i will try to find the peace i always find away in nature, and bring it closer to me, into my home and maybe even into me. we'll see how long it lasts.

the garage is finished!

2007-10-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

finally, finally, i have finished scraping and painting my little garage. a lot of help from my friends, and a bit of patience with myself, and slowly that sucker has become a lot more presentable.

the problem now is that it's a prime canvas for any graffiti artist out there...

i've been scouring the freebies on cragslist for free gravel or landscape rock, and i think i've found a source. very soon, my outside projects will come to a close this year, and i will focus on inside projects. what will i chose? some possibilities:

a new bathroom sink - one of those cool basin-on-the-cabinet jobs, which would mean getting rid of the old one and re-plastering the wall, and re-painting....

a new cabinet for the television, more shelves.

paint the kitchen

paint the front porch

convert my spare bedroom into a big humongous gorgeous closet!

so much to do, so little time.

pup had a few days of being unable to keep anything down and severe diarrhea. the barfing is not so unusual, but she always has good poop. the diarrhea can indicate kidney failure, so i was really concerned.

i made burger and rice for her, she was still drinking well, and i gave her 5 mg of pred am and pm. because the vet is so stressful i waited until the 2nd day of her being sick to make an appointment to go. i wanted to see if she'd recover on her own, and luckily she ate a little something, finally, and didn't barf. then daily, she got better and better - now she's full force and happy!

but what the heck made her sick??

i'm thinking she got into something outside. stress doesn't usually get to her that severely, but there were a few nights i went out to music and theater. a little motherly guilt, perhaps...

so i've been walking the perimeter of the yard daily to check for anything that might get into the yard. i'd put her into a giant hamsterball if i could.

there's a visual.

where o where have i been?

2007-09-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

i been sick. i better now. my brains were taxed, and they are growing back. now my guts hurt. just getting old, i guess.

ok, the actual story... my friends at work convinced me that the migraine growing in my frontal lobe was not normal, so they took me off to the ER. the docs there did a few tests - i didn't do so well following the finger with my eyeballs, so they gave me some tests, including a spinal tap to be sure i didn't have a bleeder in my brains. everything came back clear, so yep, i just had an odd migraine, but oops, now i had to deal with a spinal headache. the puncture where they took the fluid didn't heal, so i was in bed for5 days until they did a blood patch, taking my blood from my arm and injecting it like caulking over the puncture. it worked, but it's taking me a long time to get back.

it's the not-remembering that is so freaky. i think that one person said xyz, but it turns out no one did - i must have made it up. whole conversations discussing movies - not a drop of recollection. i don't really remember the days in bed. i remember m rubbing my back, just stroking my skin, and how it brought tears to my eyes to finally feel something good. otherwise, there was a lot of vomiting and listening to mpr. and wonderful m, bringing me crackers that eventually kept down, and water, taking care of pup, and just being with me. he is my love.

and my friends, the ones i brag about so often, finished my garage. irony of ironies, my lumber finally came in the day the migraine hit, so t, mb and b came the weekend after i got the blood patch and put up the siding. i tried to be helpful, but my bod would not respond. later, t said i was rather grey. lovely. they are the most wonderful peeps a gal could have.

i've been s-l-o-w-l-y painting said garage, so it now has paint everywhere. i still have to paint the not-new part so everything has a fresh coat. i can get about a hour's work done before my head rages and i have to stop.

so here's what i still have: chronic headache, scarring in my veins so they pop out here and there (i was tough to stick when i went in, sorta shocky), difficulty focusing, and really sensitive guts. the pain wakes me up a night, but i've been here before. i'll just wait it out.

and pup has become rather clingy. she's the part i do remember from the days in bed - she would snorfle me periodically, and mostly sleep at the foot of the bed. sweet girl. i do think they can tell when something is up. now she's at my feet while i type, wanders with me through the house doing chores. my little girl.

and now it's 7:30 and i'm pooped. i just got an Amazon shipment, some books to pamper myself with, so i think i'll go to bed.

it's nice to be back.

so much fur

2007-08-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

pup has now shed both her under-coat of really fine, fuzzy insulating hair, and her coarse top coat of 2 to 3 inch thick straight hair. the house has a good inch of fuzz everywhere, no matter how much i sweep, vacuum, brush, and pluck the stuff up from the carpets. her butt is now covered in short, coarse hair with fingerwaves and periodic tufts of longer hair that hasn't yet fallen.

she sorta looks like she got a haircut from a 6-year-old.

i think this is her first full transition of fur, unencumbered by the effects of prednisone freaking out her natural shedding rhythms. so nice that she's been healthy for such a long stretch. i give her her shot every 31 days, no daily pred now, the ppa and des as usual. she's so good, so patient.

she's been helping me with the garage project. i've been taking down damaged wood siding and prepping it for new siding and trim, and then a paint job for the whole thing. i love projects like this - no danger of having to live in it, basic skills needed, and a great feeling of accomplishment as it goes along. i even have a toolbelt.

next, once the lumber comes in (had to special order it!) i start cutting and putting it all up, then prime and paint. m will help - i'm not allowed to use the circular saw unsupervised. he basically comes over so he can call 911 if i need the ER.

i appreciate his confidence in my skilz.

summer project

2007-07-22T05:20:00.000-07:00

the garage is on my mind. all of my extra time is going to the old structure. i've had help moving the tool shed from directly to the south - moved it out from the garage wall about 5 feet. i excavated a good cubic yard of dirt away from the wood (!) siding. i found someone who was getting rid of gravel and got a truckload to put down in the space. and now i'll start removing the brittle, water-damaged siding.

finding wood siding is not so easy. i may have to use trim that i found with the same basic profile.

this will be a really big project, but it means i get to go to the hardware store! not the big, 40-foot ceiling, manned by college students who have never built a birdhouse, let alone re-sided a 1950's era wood garage sort of hardware store.

no, i mean the quickly disappearing owned-by-a-human-being local hardware store named for the guy behind the counter, who knows exactly where a certain widget is located, plus the nut that goes with it, and you'd better take a washer with you too. my local joint has Al and John, who have gently guided me through replacing a screen in 2 of my storm windows, building a truly dog-proof garden fence, and now, The Garage.

not only do i need the right lumber, but the right nails, tar paper for behind the siding, a decent saw, and these corner covers, made of aluminum.

hardware stores are full of potential. the smell of fertilizer and weed killer and motor oil; the little drawers of screws and nails and bolts and weights; the tools of every shape for more and more specific jobs; heady stuff, this.

and advice. advice is their most valuable item in their store. they are respectful, despite my assumptions that they would treat me like a stupid girl who couldn't possibly know how to swing a hammer. if anything, i think my regular trips and open questions have shown them i'm to be respected. plus i spend a lot of cash there.

and now, off to Al's Ace!

pu in the park

2007-07-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

what a lovely evening we had! went to the park, picnic-ed with m, who gathered a great feast for us, and puppy was the star, as usual. so many people coming up to scritch her. Lots of kids, too - they love her, and she them. we walked a bit, then listened to a couple of great groups. well, one was a single, but lovely music, floating on the cool breeze. a really lovely, romantic evening.

i've not been able to give pup much socialization, so this type of evening is wonderful for her. her immune system was so compromised for the first couple of years, my vet discouraged taking her to parks and having interaction with too many dogs. finally, she's in great shape, so these outings are going to be more common. plus i have a new bigger auto to tow her around.

i'm hoping we'll be regulars eventually. i've never been a regular anywhere, so maybe pup will get me there.

summertime!

2007-06-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

oooo, but i love the seasons up north! actual changes in weather and flora, it appeals to my need to stay rut-free. now is summer - 80's to 90's, low humidity, lovely breezes, blueblue skies and flowers blooming. it's come so quickly, though, i want to squeeze out as much time as possible outside in my hammock.

and in other news: a new car! well, new to me - a 2002 small suv. splurged on something that will meet my hauling and wintertime needs, and something that an adult would drive. and i feel my self-esteem rise, too - how materialistic! but it's not breaking my bank, gets good gas mileage, and in great shape, so i think the guilt will be short-lived.

pup is doing well - her usual summer symptoms have come and gone - liquid vomit on really hot days, a couple of inside accidents, low appetite. recovering pretty well now, as long as i keep the ac going for her.

next on my schedule - more gardening projects! move the tool shed, expand the front flower beds, start collecting materials for a second retaining wall. it never ends. thank goodness.

aaaaand... i'm back

2007-06-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

hoo! may disappeared pretty freaking quickly, didn't it? i went on an actual vacation for two weeks to my sweetie's country of origin, Finland. so gorgeous! met the family - his mom in Helsinki, pops in Marrihamn, Uncle Lars and Cousin Carl, and brother Robert. amazing what things are explained just by meeting relatives of a person - small bits and pieces come together to explain other small bits and pieces. not that anyone really knows all about another person, but i do feel a bit closer to it with m. i really had a wonderful time!

got me thinking about families - biological, those we chose, those that chose us; how we are shaped by everything that happens to us, by our choices, and where we live, and who we are around, and what we do. what an amazing puzzle we all become.

so: is it necessary to figure out our loved ones' puzzle? do we need to answer every question? or is it ok to not know some things? is it ok to have mystery and privacy, or does that mean we don't trust those around us?

there are few people in this world who know everything there is to know about me. actually, no one person knows everything. i have secrets from every person i know. i used to be an open book - full disclosure, all secrets out there, for all to see, and no shame. what changed? do i want to be viewed with more respect, do i have more shame, do i want to control how others perceive me? or do i think that people won't love me unconditionally, because of the secrets or hidden shame?

everyone has an image of themselves, usually skewed. in our minds, we are prettier or handsomer than the reality; smarter, funnier, kinder, more generous, more able. should we see ourselves as others see us? that scares me - i so desperately want to be liked and respected that i fear what people actually think. my denial is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day. and is that terrible?

and so i wonder just how messed up i am.

to my sister

2007-05-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

today is Stephanie's anniversary - 4 years ago today, my big sister died in a tornado, refusing to take shelter because she wouldn't leave her horses. she is a hero to me most days; other days, i curse the heavens that she didn't have more self-preservation instincts.

today i wear her jewelry - a necklace and ring that is perfectly her. i toast her with a cocktail. i think through every moment of that day. i think of how she will always be young, and that i'm older than she will ever be.

and i hope with all of my heart that she's watching over me.

i miss stephanie. alot.

2007-04-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

it's been 4 years since my sister died. every year i go into a depression, re-live every moment, cry every night until i'm worn out, and curse the heavens and a few people that my sister isn't here for me to grow old with.

i know the pain won't go away. i know it's supposed to get easier to bear, eventually. i know i need to grieve. i just wish i could be a bit neater about it.

see, i am a sloppy crier. my nose runs, my face screws up, tears pour all over my face and drip off my jaw. i can't talk because my chin spasms and my throat constricts and i heave with sobs. it's just not pretty.

i always wanted to cry like meryl streep in sophie's choice - beautiful, fat tears roll down one porcelain cheek, such deep sadness in those huge blue eyes - heartbreaking and attractive. no wonder she's a movie star.

me, not so much. not only am i consumed with crying while i'm crying, my eyes are red for days after a crying jag, and i have to plead allergies to cover it up, because if i say it's because i've been crying, i start crying all over again which makes my eyes redder.

so i miss my big sister. and she would ridicule me for everything i've written so far, because she is my big sister. was. is. she still is my big sister, even though i've been on the earth longer than she.

and if there is a heaven, you can bet she's gloating that she'll never get wrinkley or saggy or arthritic.

bitch.

too many questions.

2007-04-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

thinking of the families and friends in Virginia, sending all my good thoughts and strength. such pain they have, and will have, for longer than anyone should. can anyone live a life without tragedy? will we as a species ever learn to be peaceful and love ourselves and love each other unconditionally and be worthy of that love? how does someone find themselves so unable to cope that they can only destroy?

when does it end?

no answers, no answers...

spring awakening

2007-03-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

snows have melted, and little bits of spring are springing! these are a few crocuses pushing up to our relatively tropical weather-the50's ferheaven's sake. crazy little sprouts.

and people are getting out and getting crazy, too - some chick plowed into my wood fence along the back of my property! my neighbors saw the whole thing, got the license number and description, filed the report with thepolice. what is it about nice weather coming that makes people lose their minds? that extra energy, the change in wardrobe, the ability to breathe a little easier. i can understand. but really, did she have to smash my fence? really...

oh, and i'm older now. i love my cake - oh, but i laughed when i saw it! and i do love getting older. i don't mind the wrinkles as much as i used to (most of the time), i love the thought that i have so much history, i LOVE my gray streak, and i love my friends. i do love my life, hard as it can be sometimes.

i'm a very lucky person to have so much.

and we're getting snow on Monday, so maybe the craziness will slow down, or go back inside at least.

crazy spring.

snow power

2007-03-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

lots of snow this past week! finally got out for a walk, and pup was thrilled. i actually wore out one of my snow shovels, making my paths around the house. we've got about 2 feet, with drifts going even higher. sure is pretty.

pup's check-up went very well, but they do stress her out. she had a blood and urine draw, to check her values and kidney function, and she looks good. they think she may have a bladder infection, but she has no symptoms. previously she's tested positive on the urinalysis, but negative on the culture - i think that may happen again - i should find out for sure on monday. but the vet passed muster - pup didn't dislike her, anyway.

another birthday looms large for me. i've never really worried about getting older; in fact, i welcome it. but there are times i notice wrinkles or darker circles under my eyes, or that i take longer to heal physically than i used to. and i fear that it might count against me in some capacity. there is power in youth, sometimes undeserved, sometimes appropriate, but power nonetheless. to keep the power, that's the secret, isn't it?

back when i was an actor on a more regular basis (it's been over 5 years since i've been on the stage), i knew that age would mean better roles. since i have pup, i can't do any theater, but i'll go back to it someday. and i'll have so many more interesting characters to go for - that's a power trip right there, doing stagework, getting a whole audience to laugh so hard you have to hold for a few minutes while they recover. or taking them to the edge of their seats, so quiet that you can hear a pin drop. 'sfun.

in the meantime, there's lots of snow out there - and mama nature's got the big power, baby!

i heart winter.

2007-02-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

a pretty day of snowing and shovelling and romping. m came over and cleared her perimeter paths, then inside for tea and muscle relaxants. and then a lovely drug-induced nap.

living in the north is a wonderful adventure. i really do love the winter - i love the wardrobe change, the scenery change, getting to complain about the crazy weather with the other crazy northerners, and the summers are glorious. every part of the year is beautiful.

but i gush. it's a good feeling to live in a place i really feel at home in.

beautiful eve

2007-02-24T16:21:00.000-08:00

a big snow coming tonight - we should get about a foot and a half! playtime for pup tomorrow - she doesn't want to come in when there's just a bit on the ground - and when there's lots of snow, my little mountain pup is all about the snow romp. with her boots, of course.

she has her yearly check-up next week, but her vet is no longer at the university - i'm sorry to lose her. we're seeing someone new, and i'm sure they are very knowledgeable, but i'm prepping myself - if they don't work, i'm finding someone new. pup has the last say, really. we'll see what happens.

she's been very healthy lately - 4cc's of percorten-v every 31 days, DES once a week, PPA twice a day and .5 mg pred every day, plus her Urinary SO diet - she has energy, her incontinence is completely under control, and her appetite is that of a normal dog. she sometimes pees in the basement while i'm at work, even though she's very housebroken, but we're working on that with pred doses.

when she was first diagnosed with Addison's disease 3 years ago, i didn't believe that it was possible to get to 'normal'. time is a beautiful thing.

and so is pup.

valentine

2007-02-15T16:14:00.000-08:00

i had a lovely valentine's day. i know just how lucky i am - i was seranaded by my knight in shining armor, swept off to an exclusive dinner with lovely atmosphere, and entertained by an exciting performance of skill.

translation: i got a completely charming e-card from my boo, and went to a basketball game for brats, popcorn, and a victory - those college guys really play! m has been working two jobs for the last month, so my real gift was just being with him for more than an hour over lunch. i know that the time he took was the most precious thing he has right now, and that he shared it with me makes me feel very loved.

plus he's coming over this weekend for dinner and snuggling.

we've been together 5 years, and evey valentine's has been lovely. we've done the whole spectrum of celebrations - making dinner together at home, going to white castle for white linen service (highly recommended for those who usually go to nice restaurants for other occassions), and now going to a great basketball game.

the best part is that Valentine's Day isn't the only day he does special things.

but it is the day i realize it.

go bears!

2007-02-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

superbowl is fun. and pups are cute. life is good.

sweet little brown-eyed girl.

pup in boots, bored.

2007-02-01T18:14:00.000-08:00

finally. i'm back online. it's been out about a week, and now i'm all hooked up, baby.

and pup has boots! born in the fall, she was a tiny sausage puppy through the 2000 winter, and the nights were cold. she lived in a barn her first 6 months, before coming to me. all of the puppies got little spots of frostbite, and mine has a few bare toes now. these bare bits keep her from staying outside in the coldcoldcold for very long.

but now, with her little paw mittens? romps in the snow for as long as she wants! walks along salted sidewalks! hikes in the park! well, as soon as this freakish cold is over and mom can come along. s'posed to be below zero this weekend. *sigh*

and so i am inside with a bored pup and the internets. maybe there are new youtube dog movies.

i heart mornings.

2007-01-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

a pretty morning a few days ago. puppy is so happy to be out in the snow, she hardly comes in.

i have a screened-in porch on the south side of my little house. sunny weekend mornings, i'll go out there with pup and read the magazines i've neglected over the weeks, with a cup of tea and a blanket or two to bundle up in. it's a lovely way to start out, and i only wish i could do the same before i go to work.

snow's pretty.

puppy country club

2007-01-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

we visited an amazing place for the possible boarding of the pu - it's been getting lots of press, and it's for the precious pups of my area. it's 'way out in the country so any barking of my little dear girl wouldn't bug anyone.

and this place is amazing! m and i went out a few weeks ago to tour, and were met by a lovely young lady who genuinely loves the pups she cares for. the dogs are separated into 3 size groups, and each group has a wing that opens out to an fully fenced-in, huge play yard, and all the pups play and play and play. the suites each have a bed and whatever you want to bring for your pup. they administer meds and special treats. i asked about the possibility of adjusting meds as they are needed, like pup's need for pred, and she was confident that they could do that for her.

they take the pups out for play for 4 to 6 hours every day, human-supervised! the woman who founded the place used to be a marriott exec, and knows her stuff. they even have some in-house pups who have constant-care needs: a blind collie, a mix with such separation anxiety that she crashed through a window to get to people, and a older pup with paralyzed back legs, who stays on his blanket and watches the youngsters. all so happy - such a good vibe. and all the staff are people who see animals as part of the family.

they are even starting the process to create a sanctuary for pups that would otherwise be put down for medical or physical reasons. a retirement community, really.

i like these people a lot.

so now i get pup her appropriate shots and test. i'll test out the place for a weekend and see how it goes. oh, but i hope it works out.

2007-01-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

finally! snow has arrived in the northland. it started last night while we were awaiting the 7th year of the two thousands. just beautiful. and we need it desperately. i never really thought about a drought in winter - snow doesn't seem to be precipitation to me. not only does the snow protect plants and trees by keeping the really frigid weather away from the ground and root systems, it provides the spring water that supplies the marshes and streams and everything down from that. snow is good. and pretty.

the holidays have been really good. work slowed down enough to start on my B list. yes, i have A lists, B lists, C lists, all prioritized in a terrifically anal-retentive way. this job has a huge everyday A list - practically everything is a priority - but the holidays reduce the number of people on the floor, and proportionately, A list stuff. hoo.

i even did some filing.

then the glorious, lazy, non-traveling holidays! two 4-day weekends, back-to-back! dinners with friends! gifts! way too much food! just glorious.

we saw dick clark last night - it's impressive how far he's come in only two years. my neighbor had a stroke a few years ago, and still hasn't regained much speech, but he's getting there. his wife is amazing, so devoted and doing a great job with care-taking. he's navy, so they get lots of help and she gets a break now and then. i so admire that devotion.

i got a sage bundle for christmas, so i thought i'd do a cleaning for my house. i waited until everyone left, took a bottle of wine, and saged & toasted the outside of the house, the garden and garage, then every room and closet. i asked for hope and strength, love and friendship, comfort and knowledge. i'm not wikan or pagan or anything, but i do think my ancestors watch over me, so i asked for their guidance too.

happy new year, world. happier than last year, i hope.

in which we survive a family visit

2006-12-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

just got back from visiting the folks down south. i took pup along, and gave her pred boosts and she did very well. m came along for his first visit to see my family in their natural southern environment, and he did very well. he didn't run screaming from the house, anyway. a big difference from his family, all international, big city folks who never uttered a y'all in their lives. we had a good time, i think, and my folks, who loved him before, now adore him.

we took the pup along, and she was much calmer - i really think it was because we both were there. she was never left alone, got lots of walks and attention, and was well-monitored for her meds. she is now konked out on the couch. oooo, so sleeeppppyyyy.....

and now i will crawl into my newly winterized bed - feather mattress top, new cotton sheets, fluffy comforters, grandma's embroidered pillowcases... mmmmmm....... g'night.

snugglepup

2006-12-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

one evening, m was taking a semi-nap on the couch, and pup decided that she needed to join him. atop him, actually.

she has no personal space issues.

i barely got to the camera to catch this - i was having such a giggle fit. they stayed all spooned up for a good twenty minutes or so, once m got his face clear of the fur.

oooo, but she's adorable.

livin large

2006-12-03T17:11:00.000-08:00

november passed in a flash! too many things keeping me away and busy. but busy is good and so much better than many alternatives i can think of. and the busy i've been has been pretty fun.

i was sent to Ohio for training in my new job for 4 days, and i was put up in a great hotel - 600 count sheets, down duvets, nice furniture that someone might actually have in their house, and Room Service. i have never ordered Room Service in my life. I love Room Service. i had it every night and every morning - tuxedo'ed young people would address me as Miss A... and treat me as if i were important! what luxury! i'd close the door and dance around, giddy, feeling as if i were getting away with such a sham! just playing the game, baby. and i actually learned worthwhile information while i was there.

then i was home for a day, and the very next day, off to visit my oldest and dearest girlfriend, s, for a girl's weekend. we shopped and laughed and shopped and ate and got facials and laughed. having someone who knows me better than anyone is such a comfort. i miss her and i love her. she is a very successful salesperson and has a lovely home that we have decided will be our retirement commune. all us orphans with no kids to care for us will come to her and contribute what we can to the household, and we'll take care of each other. i really do hope that happens, even thought we discuss it in jest.

then i was back to pup, who was cared for by m in my absence, and he called me every night while i was gone to check in. that's a comfort in my life too.

this was 3 days prior to the thanksgiving i was to host, so i ventured into the online grocery world, and I. LOVE. IT. i order online, pick up at the appointed time by driving up and giving someone my number, popping my trunk so they can load up, and driving home. a 5-minute transaction. luxury!

and now i'm back in my little home, and caretaking a mostly healthy pup, and doing house chores and making sure everything's ready for winter. i just got back from a lovely gathering to start the holiday season off, and got to chat with wonderful friends i see far too seldom.

a month of luxury and comfort. it's a pretty good place to be.

it worked!

2006-10-31T19:07:00.000-08:00

woohooo!! oo. time to take more photos of puppitty poo and life in general...

photo testing

2006-10-31T18:55:00.000-08:00

ok, working on uploading photos ....did it work?

newtoys

2006-10-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

i have joined the world of people with decent computers! i love it. it's shiney and new and fast and cool. AND i have high-speed wireless internets! lovely. so i can upload pictures once i figure it out. and take my 'puter anywhere in the house.

pup has been pretty good lately, but peeing inside again. so i've given her about .25 mg pred at each meal time. it seems to help, and gives her more energy. my yahoo chat group for addison dogs gave me that tip - they are invaluable.

work has been stressful, but it comes and goes. winter is the slower season, so i'm hoping to get more work done, but we shall see. i'm getting lots of mixed messages - take vacation but never leave, why wasn't this finished even though i never asked you to do it, that sort of torture. i'm looking, that's for sure...

ooo, and i sold my first craigslist thingy! kind of nice, but now i'm wanting to find other things to get rid of.

now if i can just keep pup from slobbering on my new computer...

catching up with the joneses

2006-10-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

i have done it. tonight i ordered my very first, very own computer. a laptop. gonna get wi-fi. the one i use now is achingly slow. it was time to be a part of the community of techno-savants.

i'm also on the verge of getting a cell phone. m is doing research into pay as you go's, and he did all the research on the 'puter, too. and ordered it for me. what a god man.

all this technology is getting me a little giddy - thrilled to be getting new toys, but aprehensive that this is taking me down a very dangerous road. what's next? a new printer? a zip drive? a thumb drive? brain implants? too many toys, is what's goin on.

but what FUN!

generic posting

2006-09-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

so here i am, having survived a rather icky week at work. out sick one day with a sinus infection. so much happens each day in the human resources world that there is never a good time to be gone. take a lunch and someone needs an ambulance. stay out sick and 3 crises explode at once. each meeting has new policies or training information vital to upcoming projects. it is a constant maintenance of chaos, and we can only do what we can do.

it's easy to get frustrated, to take things personally. practically everything we do is confidential, so no one really knows the overwhelming amount of information we collect, process and analize each day, let alone lead any big projects that come along. it's hard to get criticized when we're doing the best we can and we know that those judging us don't have all the information; information we can't even give out. i wonder if this is how super-secret spies feel?

in the meantime, pup has been going through another bout of not having the ability to hold her bladder all day or all night. she's back on a little pred, just a crumb with meals, and it seems to help. that, and nocturnal potty breaks. and we've resumed her walks, now that the weather is cooling off. she seems very healthy and happy otherwise, altough very vigilant with a new dog in the neighborhood. oh, the barking...

it'll be rainy this weekend, so i hope to get more cleaning done. i've neglected the house a bit too much, i think. and the outside - gardening, and landscaping, and painting the garage, and making small repairs. it never ends, and sometimes i really love it. right now, though, i really wish i had a few personal assistants.

i am, however, looking forward to a weekend in-house. with naps. and chocolate.

xoo,
jenn

in which i return to the beautiful rut of life

2006-09-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

the walk is finished, over for 3 weeks, and still i think on it. i just got my photos, and they bring back much of what my measely memory mislaid. what an amazing wonderful time.

i kept my supporters informed by sending a few pdates, and in them, i'm afraid i waxed poetical - here are some that get the heart of what i was doing and why --

"Here are things I have learned from walking for hours on end:

1. Drink Lots Of Water and Gatorade, Stupid. One bout of dehydration set me straight. I won't be making that mistake again.

2. Eat something before starting, preferably protein-based. Eat something again at least by the 10-mile mark, or every 3 hours.

3. Check for ticks after walking through tall grass to avoid a swampy patch of path. I carried home a good dozen ticks one day - eww.

4. Training by one's self can be very meditative, but once I started giving imaginary interviews to Jay Leno, I knew it was time to hook up with my team more often!

5. Ibuprofen rocks."

"I have developed a theory about this training. I imagine that, for every one of us 3-day walkers who are out there walking and walking and walking, there is someone in the world going to their chemo appointment, or getting ready for surgery, or sitting in a doctor's office and getting that initial terrifying diagnosis, or waiting for a loved one who is going through any of those things. It is my hope in this theory that, as I and my compatriots work to get stronger, some of that strength goes out to them, even though they probably don't know who we are or what we're doing. I hope with all of my heart that somehow, a little of our cumulative strength is given to them to get through one more treatment, get to one more appointment, or face one more day."

"I was asked by a very wise friend, "Why do you have to walk so far? Why make it so physically demanding? Why not just raise the funds and leave it at that?" I thought this over and over as I trained, and I think it's something primitive in us as a species. I think it's like a pilgrimage, like a walk-about, this 3-Day. Something spiritual happens when one's body is pushed further than it's supposed to go. Whether it's marathons run, or mountains conquered, whatever - these can take us closer to the gods so we can ask more clearly for what we wish. And when lots of us get close to the gods at the same time, and ask for pretty much the same thing, I would think it would be hard for them to ignore."

"So how was the walk, Jenn?? Well. It was amazing. It was actually easier than the training in some ways because of all the help we had. I made beautiful friends, most of whose names I will never know, other than motorcycle guy, and singing crossguard dude, and megaphone chick. And others I hope to know for a very long time.

Here’s a typical day of the Walk: wake up, 5:30am, ‘cause everyone else is, and there’s no sleeping when a camp of 3,000 gets up. Hit the porta-potty, get dressed, pack up. Gather friends, get breakfast. And what, praytell was breakfast? Well, I gathered unto my plate one fine morning: eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy, cream-of-wheat with strawberry stuff, granola, yogurt, an apple, juice and milk. And I ate it all. We would go into “feed the engine” mode, just staring ahead, chewing steadily, and shoveling it in. and it tasted so good. Then hit the medical tent for the walking wounded, and on the road!

Every 3 miles or so, would be a pit stop, usually in a school parking lot, consisting of potties, water and Gatorade, snacks, and entertainment – a pirate stop, a PJ stop, survivor island (mmm, gummy worms…) – they were so creative and so enthusiastic! Then at major intersections, a crew member would be there to walk us across. Little signs were all along the route, pointing the way and telling jokes. The medic-vans would cruise the walking column, looking for people who needed a lift, honking and yelling encouragement, also in themes – Marti-Bra, Scoooby-Booby-Doo, the Pajama folks in curlers. And lunch would be a sit-down affair, a chance to change socks, get bandaged if need be, and chat a bit. And the cheering stations, where family would gather and shout “go Mom!” and “Thank you!” So much love, it makes me get all weepy again. I was unable to pass through these without crying from the appreciation and hope and determination of these folks.

We’d get back to camp to more cheering, and once I found a wading pool of ice water that was glorious! Get some dinner (see Breakfast for how high the plates were piled), shower off the day, hang out, and to bed by about 9. Repeat.

Through some neighborhoods, people would just sit on their front stoops, watching us go by, sometimes with signs or coolers of popcicles, or t-shirts – my favorite was a teenaged young man, who wore “Tough Enough to Wear Pink”. Some people were obviously going through treatment, with beautiful bald heads, so pale, so fragile, and so strong. So beautiful, in fact, that I couldn’t resist running up to them to give them hugs and words of encouragement. They were the most beautiful people I ever saw.

And now, I’d like to introduce our little group of walkers – Marion, my tentmate, who developed a sprained ankle on the way, and had them wrap the bejesus out of it, and kept on going. Sue, whose shoes weren’t big enough and developed blisters over every toe and most of her feet, but got very grumpy at the suggestion of taking the medic-van and kept marching – they finally cut the toes out of her shoes so she could finish. Connie, who had a Drinking Problem, from the form-lacking-function of her pretty pink water bottle – she was a walking wet t-shirt contest. Marcia, whose formidable spirit got us up most of the hills, despite her blisters. Kelly, who was able to talk to the most shy person and make them feel as though they were a sister within minutes. Angels, every one.

I took a little walk of 6 miles last Saturday, and felt so strong and alive and peaceful. These are rare attributes anymore, and I know how lucky I am to get out there and just simply put foot to trail. I hope to continue hiking, and visiting my little patch of training ground through every season."

Something i didn't realize at the beginning of this - to walk for 8 or 9 hours continually can beat a person up. we had a team of the walking wounded - stress fracture, blisters, sprained ankle, bruised bone - this is not a stroll in the park. these ladies are tough as nails, with determination and strength of inspiring proportions. and when we see those beautiful bald survivors, the pain goes away, and we keep going.

i know i'll be involved in this again. not sure if i can devote the time again, tho - so much got neglected for it. now, i'm catching up, cleaning, gardening, walking pup, socializing and returning to my wonderful rut of a life.

it sure was fun, tho.

countdown

2006-07-27T06:04:00.000-07:00

i have 3 more training weekends before the 3 Day Walk arrives. last weekend, i walked 18 miles saturday and 15 miles sunday, armed with salt pills and gatorade and cliff bars and songs in my head. i've been doing most of my training on my hiking paths, which i think is giving me a bit of an advantage with the walk itself. i'm only just realizing that i was supposed to be doing my big walks on flat-ish trails! i just want to finish, just want to finish.....

walking for 6 hours at a time gives one time to ponder life, talk to ancestors, make lists, exorcise demons. i've enjoyed watching mother nature make her changes from winter to spring and into summer - i used to do that as a kid when we lived in the country. i'll be continuing my hikes after the 3 Day, definitely. nature child, that's me.

pup is doing well, although neighborhood change is bugging her. the house next door to me is moving out, and the house across the alley is moving in, plus construction about a block away, and change is evil. a mg of pred and she's fine, but she's up all night barking at this stuff and i'm losing sleep. things will settle down soon. and i'm hoping for good neighbors!

this time of year makes me wish i were a teacher so i could have summers off and enjoy it more, be out in it, get a tan, go swimming, make a beautiful garden. 8 to 5 is giving me a house and a healthy pup, but a real vacation would do me some good, i think.

after the walk, i will do just that. a real vacation. now, what to do?...

time flies

2006-06-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

been gone a while... end of semester, beginning of spring, new job, traiing full force for the walk, and no time in front of my little 'puter. still very little time, but hanging in there. got some new yard equipment - a trimmer and a new potting bench, and stuff. lots of fun. i think i need a personal assistant, tho.

i do love spring and summer. just wish i had more time to love it.

spring, sinkholes and sewerlines

2006-04-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

spring is springing up all over the place! daffodils are blooming, croci (crocuses?) have been up for a couple of weeks now, and i may have a leak in my sewer line!

but it's beautiful outside, so i kinda don't care too much.

a couple of days ago, i noticed a little depression in my front yard, so of course i had to poke at it. i don't watch many horror flicks - i should know that poking at a strange dip/depression where there were none before is probably asking for a slithery tentacle to grab me and pull me to the nether-world... so my poking resulted in a larger hole where there were none before, and an uneasy feeling about the integrity of the rest of the yard crept over me like kudzu. i leapt back to the porch and its supposed safety.

maybe i should watch more horror flicks to get this stuff out of my system.

so after a couple of calls to city officials in the water and sewer divisions, i was reassured that there were probably no monsters down there (that was a joke. i did not mention my journey into scary-land). they are coming to inspect it on Monday, at which time i will ask about their plan of attack, because i've done a retaining wall and lots of planting on that side of the house. were they to need frontal access, i'd have to remove/move/transplant so they could backhoe at will.

i was wondering what my Big Project was going to be this season.

small moves

2006-04-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

i received a beautiful card from the woman, b, for whom i am walking in the breast cancer 3-day walk. she made the card herself, a beautiful flower collage. she said that she had been rather passive, just going along with the treatment, but without putting her heart into it. and she told me that, because of me and my walk and my efforts for it, she has decided to fight her cancer, take a more active role in her treatment, and has even started a new med. i gave it to her daughter to read, and she'd had no idea that her mom hadn't been fighting. we're both blubberheads, too, by the way - we were rather soppy after.

i had no idea that my tiny leap of faith could have any effect on anyone, other than those benefiting from the money i'm raising from my wonderful friends, and from mb's family. i had no idea that my participation could encourage or inspire or help someone. but it has, and i'm amazed.

we all do little things that directly or indirectly help or hinder other people. sometimes we get to decide what those things are, and i, at least, hope that the ripples from my little pebbles help more than hurt.

the thing is, we very rarely get to know what happens in the rest of the pond, to extend the metaphor further than it should probably go, and how heart-breakingly cool it is for me to know that i've helped someone. there is no better thing in this whole world.

on a completely different note, but heartwarming all the same, spring has sprung, at least for the last day or two, and my neighbor kids are playing leapfrog in their back yard! can you believe it??

old school, represent.

so spring, already!!

2006-03-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

we are having a warm spell and it is torturous. the forecast is for 50's tomorrow and the rest of the week, which should melt the rest of the snow hidden from direct sun, and the birds are riotous. torturous and riotous in the same paragraph - dude. i must be needing some springtime.

i checked on my south-facing slope when i got home today, to see if any little green sprouts were finding their way sun-ward, and yes! there were! and crabgrass - where did that come from?? so i (deep and satisfying sigh) Weeded. the first of the season. i dug under the mulch to the cold dirt and tugged the stubborn grassy roots - the smell of the earth, even this early, is heavenly. ooo, but i miss my garden!

this is a dangerous time for me. mustn't plant seeds too early. mustn't turn the vegetable beds too early. mustn't transplant too early. patience, patience. so i scour my gardening books and Northern Gardener magazine and anything online remotely discussing gardening and plants and flowers and dirt and pH levels and fertilizers and compost.

i have a gardening journal - i document every change i've made to my precious yard since i bought the place 5 years ago. it's a lovely thing to see the progress, to set down in writing my plans so i can see how far i can go. there's always something to do in a garden. maybe this year i'll take a gardening vacation - days off of work to do nothing but garden. heaven!

but for now, i live vicariously through my folks and brother and sister, who live much south-er than i. and patiently wait for the ground to thaw, and the grass to come back, and the bulbs to sprout.

and what do you want to bet it'll snow next week?

chemical help

2006-03-19T13:37:00.000-08:00

how do some people get so much done and make it seem so effortless? i have been trying to get off my butt to take care of some things around the house, and nada, nothing, can't do it. i get the usual upkeep done, the dishes, laundry sort of (it's on the folding table in the basement and i've been dressing from there), and cooking for myself and the occasional guest. but the big stuff, the big project - re-arranging a room to start a cascade of re-arrangements - this is taking me years.

and friends talk about their big projects and how they got so much done on the weekends, blah, blah... i need a personal assistant. or i should learn to drink coffee. i'm sleepy on the weekends!

in other news, i learned off of my Addison's Dog chat group that i should probably be giving pup a teensy bit of pred every day, instead of her weekly little bit, and that should help her peeing inside. did i mention this? for the last couple of months, she had pee'ed inside, in my unfinished basement, a couple of times a week. she is very housetrained, so this is highly unusual behavior. and this is not incontinence, when she pees in her sleep - that's been medicated away. so a crumb of pred for pup, and it seems to be working - only one puddle inside this last week.

i guess we all need a little chemical help now and then. i think pup's is a bit more urgent than my laziness, since most of hers keeps her alive, but maybe i'll have a real coca-cola with lots of sugar and caffienne and see what happens.

and keep working on pup's meds - i just want to give her the best life i can.

in which i admit that i'm a freak of nature.

2006-03-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

i have this thing called synesthesia by which i see the year's calendar around my waist in a hoop. i move around the hoop, counter-clockwise through each month,and every month is a color which fades into the next month. right now, september is across from me in beautiful royal blue/purple, february just slipped past to the left in a light, light blue, and march is coming out of my right side in a vivid kelly green.

i kid you not.

i have a sedate version of synesthesia, a nice entertainment for my friends. they ask, "so where is august now?" and i point accross the hoop and slightly to the left, to gales of laughter. Unfortunately, this has given me no cool abilities to count toothpicks, predict stock prices or zip through calculus equations, it just Is.

another part of my peculiar brain wiring is that i see numbers as shapes, with slightly emotional tones; the even numbers are stable and secure (especially tens), numbers divisible by 3 are round and fun, and primes are inverted pyramidal blobs, precarious and ready to fall off of their point at any moment, as well as being rather stable, in one hunk, divisible by only itself and one.

again, not kidding.

this year, i turn 41, a lovely prime, and i'm using my unique perceptivity (is that even a word?) as an excuse to rock the boat and teeter on my point. i'm pushing my comfort zone, doing the unexpected and sometimes actually saying what i think, with the security that i'm still a somewhat stable blob.

look out, world!

we walk because we can't walk away

2006-02-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

and so i begin another journey - i am participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, walking 20 miles a day for 3 days. with every donation given from my dear generous friends, i am amazed and honored and giddy, still a little shocked (in a good way) that i'm doing this.

please go to the 3-Day site to check it out and donate to someone walking in your area - i'm in the Twin Cities, so if you want to donate to my site, here it is. every donation makes a difference to so many women and men.

my life has been taken up with e-mail campaigns and gathering addresses for the regular mail campaign, reading survivor stories, inputting recipes for one of our fundraisers, and finding places to give bake sales. and my girl mb has graciously given of herself - she's going to help me stuff envelopes and talk me down when i get neurotic.

in other news, pup is healthy and happy and sweet.

life is good.
xxoo

old friends

2006-02-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

i have been experiencing lately a profound need to contact old friends - from as far back as grade school, up to high school folks and college, people from Chicago - i have let far too many connections lapse. e-mail makes it so very easy - why have i neglected these people? i think i'm finally coming out of a depression that started mid-way into my now-defunct marriage. i've missed me! and i've missed my friends.

most of them have replied pretty quickly with their latest news and invitations to visit - i wish i could travel to them all and spend long evenings talking and laughing and giving each other our life stories.

i am better with my friends. i could easily become a hermit, stuck in my self-centered rut, only spending my precious energy on self-serving endeavors. but i am better when i am stretched socially, when i have lunch with these ladies and take a walk with those, when i have long-lost buddies over for a dinner i don't have time to make. i'm better when i surround myself with people who love me, and who i love, and who laugh and cry and hug and say. "why in the world don't we do this more??"

i'm so very, very lucky.

q: how many pills can one puppy take?

2006-02-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

a: as many as it takes her to get well, dammit! yep, it's another bladder infection. the culture, i predict, will come back positive - vet has started pup on antibiotics and we'll change if the culture shows we should, but at least now she's on the way back to feeling better. so that's, what, 4 pills a day, plus one weekly, plus a little pred to help her heal and deal with the sick-stress. not too bad, really, meds-wise.

the worst moment of her being sick is when she doesn't want to play. even when i dance around the dining room table squeaking a toy, mock-screaming "aaaaahhhh!!!" which is, i'm sure, a sight to behold. she could only resist that if she really feels crappy. which she did/does.

the antibiotics should kick in tonight, and she'll feel better tomorrow or thursday. bless her furry little heart.

in other news, i have begun teaching! i share a class of Voice and Movement for the Actor - i take the Movement part, fridays and every other wednesday. a small class, which i'm working on not taking personally, and diverse. as always, i feel inadequate, and i work really hard to fill the class to the top with useful info, stuff they can take and apply outside of class.

i do wish i could teach full time, and maybe someday i will. my foot is in the door, anyway. such a wonderful, bright spot in my day OUT of my cubical!

xxoo

it's all about the pee

2006-01-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

i was out of town for a couple of days with some friends, and m was dear enough to do dog camp for all three pups. i gave mine 2.5 mg pred upon my departure, knowing i'd be back in 48 hours or so. she weathered the constant play and slightly restricted water (done for one of the other pooches) pretty well. another 2.5 mg pred when i got back, and although she was thouroughly tired in a good way, i still kept close watch.

i gave her unrestricted water once the boys went home. she had an indoor accident (not in her sleep) the next day. this happens sometimes, so i didn't worry about it much. then last night, she had a pee in her sleep, and two puddles in the basement. she gets her DES today and another 2.5 mg pred.

i think she gets worn down, that it's a cummulative thing, and eventually her control just goes out the window. next time i'll try giving pred daily, but combined with having to limit water for one of the pups when she needs to have copious amounts, i'm not sure that would work. there has to be a way, tho... this sort of thing makes me feel like i should never leave her. i'm just not going to be able to travel too many days away, i think.

she loves to be groomed, so we had a nice massaging and brushing session today, and i gave her a little sponge butt-bath too. i'm hoping i don't have to clip her hair, since it's finally really coming back in. she has a lovely tutu, my little ballerina pup!

i try not to over-analize. i try not to worry. i try to keep anxiety to a minimum. but i'm sure she feels it anyway, wonders what's up, puts her on semi-alert, and she doesn't need that. how do i push her past conditions away and live day by day for her? it's such a fine line to walk, between spotting problems early and hovering to the point of neurosis. hoo.

it's a good thing i'm cute.

now

2006-01-16T16:42:00.000-08:00

every once in a while, pup will get a special treat. a bone from a roast or steak, usually - and if there is beef in the house, believe me she is right there at the preparer's side, ready and available for quality control. and if i get out her napkin (one of the dog blankets for the furniture, spread on the floor) she does her little dance of joy, bouncing around, snorting and sneezing with a look of pure happiness on her squishy little face, knowing she's gonna get something de-licious!

tonight was such a night.

i am amazed at her table manners. she stays on her napkin, droooooling and chewing and snorfling the bone until it is Very Clean. only then will she take her treat up to the couch or onto my bed for more drooling and slobbering. it's a good thing she's cute.

health-wise, she's been mostly great. after the holidays, she had a day when she barfed a couple of times - liquid, so it was just some tummy upset. these barfs are random - i have yet to find the pattern. not related to pre- or post-shot, not directly related to stress, and her poop is just fine. and it's all about the poop. as her vet says, if she's eating well and has good poop, nothing to worry about. it's all relative, but that's basically what i go on, and so far so good.

trying to become more productive in these dark winter nights. we've had a warm spell and most of the snow has melted or become ice, so no skiing yet. i am hopeful for february and march, although we are supposed to get some snow tonight. and i'm already planning my gardening adventures - it never stops! it's all about tomorrow and next month and next season...

i need to learn to be more dog-like and completely enjoy exactly the moment that is happening. they don't understand yesterday or tomorrow, or soon; just the right now. like the right now that is nibbleing my armpit to be let outside - ooo! and it's snowing! i think i'll bundle up and have a romp. right now.

xxoo

roadtrip

2005-12-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

and so we traveled to my parent's place for the holidays, about a 7 hour drive. hopped pup up with 5mg pred, and hit the road! i was just given the Mighty Wind soundtrack, and has since been memorized, thank you. i highly recommend it, by the by.

our first trip a few years ago, pup did not sit the entire time. she stood in the back seat, leaning against the back the whole way. this time, however, she laid down on most straight-aways. once i turned or braked, up she came to check out the situation. i hope she will someday relax enough to sleep, but somehow i doubt that will happen.

we stopped once on the way, she had a copious pee, and back to the road. once we arrived at our destination, another goodly pee, and another 5mg pred. a few bowls of water, lots of rest.

she doesn't want kibble when stressed, so i mix raw burger and overcooked rice together with some kibble, and she eats. another 5 mg pred each additional day, and she seemed to do ok.

once we get back, she drinks. and drinks. and drinks. and eats snow. and barfs it all up. i must remember to give her controlled amounts after trips.

i go into mom overdrive whenever we're out of the house, constantly watching for her signals, leaving conversations mid-sentence to tend her, watching out the window when she goes out. it's exhausting, and i know i'm not a very good guest. i wish travel weren't so hard on her.

honestly, i wish i didn't have to travel at all. i wish i could visit my family over the year, here and there, and spend christmas at home. parental guilt is a powerful thing.

personal trainer

2005-12-11T12:08:00.000-08:00

with pup finally having such a long streak of great health, i have time to work on myself. in addition to my weekend hikes, I Have Begun Yoga.

through some health promotion at work, i won a free yoga mat, strap, block, elasto-thingy and a Video Tape. it must be left over from the nineties, but hey, it was free... so for the last week, i have come home from my cube, tended to her pupness, and plopped myself onto the rubberized mat. i have twisted my star, opened my big beautiful heart, and squoze the earth with my elbows.

pup has always had a habit of coming to me mid-meal, slobbery with kibble, and reported her pleasure with her meal by sharing a *bh-hhuuurkp* and a *blink*. she has continued during my yoga sessions. luckily rubber cleans easily.

by the time i reach the abdominal section, she has finished her meal, and thus begins her coaching. she seems to know that if she stands over me as i do cruches of various sorts, and sniffs my forehead with her face all sloshed forward, i will begin to giggle and therefore double my workout. and i think her contribution has upped my results. celebrity types never had it so good.

in other news, the snow continues, the temp is single-digit, and i have my christmas tree! my hike yesterday was gorgeous - cloudy, in the twenties so not too painful, and a beautiful light snow the whole time. i got a lead on some cheap used cross country ski equipment, so maybe after christmas i'll treat myself. if not, i'm happy just to hike, or maybe snowshoe. i do love just being outside - it clears my mind, helps me focus, gets me back to myself. isn't it odd how we can lose ourselves? is that from doing what we have to do rather than what we're born to do? what a beautiful world we'd have if everyone were doing exactly what they were born to do.

xxoo

thank you internets

2005-12-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

i just came from checking my yahoo group for Addison Dogs, and i am just blown away with how wonderful these internets are. it has made community where there were none, it has brought together like-minded people when so many felt alone and isolated, it has guided those who thought there was no answer.

don't get me wrong, it should not replace actual human contact, but when one's circumstance is a rarity - from disease, disability, interests, whatever - it helps so much to know that someone else out there, even just one single person, understands what you've gone through and might even shed some light on this crazy path you're traveling.

what a comfort it is to me to know there are other dog moms and dads whose babies have this horrible disease, and, heaven forbid, if pup should relapse or get something new, i have so many wise and wonderful people to ask advice.

there are so many good people in the world; they just don't get the big press. i hug them all!

xxoo

today is world AIDS day

2005-12-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

i've only known a few people with the dread diagnosis, and all are doing well. someday, a cure. this is my hope.

xxoo

snow!

2005-12-01T17:01:00.000-08:00

it has snowed in the north and the puppy is happy! bless her, she do love the frozen stuff - i can hardly get her inside. we had a good romp, complete with snowfight as i shoveled - she'd run under where i was tossing the snow, and zoom across the yard, then come back for more. is there anything more joyful than to watch a happy dog romp?she lifts my heart.

Thanksgiving was great - very low-key, 8 of us, lots of food and the pups romped 'til they dropped. pup needs a little boost of pred before romps, but sometimes it seems that it's a little too much. i'll cut some of the halves to quarters and see how that does her - such a sensitive little flower. oo, and exciting news - my supplier has percorten back in stock, so no more delays! i hope that keeps up.

when i think back 2 years and compare life to now, i am amazed at my new skill set: no fear of needles (includes needles administered into me, as well), knowledge base of meds, blood levels and ratios, bladder infection and stone symptoms... pup is quite the educator. and she is so freaking funny - i think that's the big indicator that she is feeling great! when she's got a squeaky toy and wants my attention, she can really get me rolling.

and some wonderful person has been snow-blowing the whole neighborhood's sidewalks, and i love them for it. i want to catch them in the act and take them cocoa and cookies. i would like to think i would do the same, were i blessed with such machinery - they are a beautiful sight!

and so begins december. where did the year go?
xxoo

destiny

2005-11-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

well, today is a good day! my darling fuzzface is officially healthy enough to get her vaccines! she was so good at the vet's - i got to go back with her to the treatment room, because there was a student meeting, so fewer bodies and room for me. as people came in and out, they greeted her by name - everyone seems to know her, which is lovely because she is indeed a rock star, but makes me sad that she's had to be there so often to be so well known. she got her shots, and DIDN"T have to give a urine sample (on her back, taken with a needle, and can't be too pain-free), and she was so happy to get out of there! we romped a little when i brought her back home, then i had to get back to work.

i wish so badly that i could be home with her more often. not every day, but more than two days in seven. i know she sleeps mostly, i know she's just fine guarding the house by herself, but wouldn't it be lovely to have just a few more days with her? i guess i realize her mortality, that her days are few in comparison to mine, and i want more of them. i figure that if i can get her past eight years, the rest is extra. my goal is ten years, and she's five now. so far so good.

i think that Stephanie's death has made me realize, too, that it's so easy to die. one wrong decision, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it's over. death is so close to us, closer than i ever thought. a lot of it is out of our control, so things happen when they do. i just want the odds in my favor. i wear my seatbelt, i floss, and i get regular checkups. the rest is up to the gods.

hibernation mode

2005-11-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

had a lovely weekend up north at a beautiful resort. they have "working weekends" where you work for half a day, and stay 2 nights for hardly anything, plus they feed you saturday night! each cabin has it's own sauna - the first thing we did was crank that sucker! i must have one someday. it's so relaxing. i would like one right now, please.

we hiked around, and took naps and sauna'd and watched movies. we saw a fox! extra close-up too, right outside our picture window. i do love traveling with my man. we have similar philosophies - we enjoy the journey as much as the destination. he is my hero.

pup stayed with her cousins the huskies and auntie and uncle, and she did very well. only needed pred once - it makes me fell so good that they are learning the signs, like groaning and looking sort of droopy. yay dog camp! and i do love it when they come for camp with me - such sweet pups!

my latest challenge has been to stay awake and accomplish things after work. this far north, it gets dark at 5:30, and the sun doesn't rise until 7. i've been crawling into bed at 9, reading 20 minutes and zonking out! so today i've turned on my lights and am forcing myself to stay awake at least until 10. one must have goals.

i also have this really strong urge to go to the grocery store and do a super-stock-up run. i'll probably do that this weekend, 'cause i need things, but these instincts are so strong! i must be reverting or something - hibernating, setting up winter stores, craving fat... wait, no, that's all the time! yeah, that's it. it's my instinct to have lots of ice cream around. can't help it.

and now, i would like some snow.

xxoo

happy halloween!

2005-10-31T17:57:00.000-08:00

it's been a while - very busy at work with long days, then long walks with pup and full weekends. fall is my busiest time of year, and i do love the weather, since it's now cool enough for pup to be outside without overdoing in the heat. and the walks are better for both of us, because she doesn't flop down in the middle of it to rest, discounting any aerobic advantage.

my sweet pup has been doing well, although a little off and needing a bit of pred here and there. the gutters were installed, and a few days after she needed a boost - she looked draggy and wasn't finihsing her meals. the look on her face is so obvious to me now - she actually gets circles under her eyes, has droopy lids, and has a glazed over expression. then after the pred, she pops back to normal, looks happy and ready to play. amazing stuff and thank the heavens for it! her percorten is backordered through the manufacturer AGAIN, so i'm having to get it from the vet's, again. i wonder what the heck is going on - we need it to keep our babes alive! can't they make it any faster?? i wonder what's up...

the garden is shaping up, and i'm getting the last few chores done before the freeze comes, although i'm sure some things will have to be left for spring. i went to a local home improvement store, and as i walked into the garden center, the bundled-up cashier muttered like a shifty watch salesman, "all the plants are a buck a piece." i stopped in my tracks, turned to her and said "you. are. kidding me." "nope, a buck a plant. everything has to go!" this, my friends, is a wet dream for me - i love to garden, but budgets are tight, and i usualy do a plant swap or divide what i've got to satisfy my planting needs. actual real large plants for $1. amazing

i got a cart and started cruising the aisles - 18" pots and smaller, all $1! clematis, miscanthus, hosta, juniper, blue spruce, cedar - i was in heaven! i decided on 3 huge juniper bushes and 2 gorgeous plants i've forgotten the names of - little yellow flowers, and it sort of looks like giant thyme. whee! that's the time to shop, ladies and gents, post-season! what a coup. my yard is slowly becoming what i imagine.

and now it's halloween! my neighborhood is pretty fun - there are lots of kids, and more than a few houses decorate, putting out our beacons to tell the booguns where the treats are. not much tricking, but most of the kids are young. i bet that changes as they get older and more mischeivious. i remember buying shaving cream and multiple packs of toilet paper, and thinking that no one would know what we were up to! ah, the innocence of youth.... i try to be one of the houses with the good stuff - chocolate, peanutbutter cups, super sour stuff. none of those icky gumdroppy thing in my bowl!

i hope i have satisfied the little devils for another year.

xxoo!

a kind of heaven

2005-10-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

not much to report on the pupfront lately, so i guess no news is good news. she does, however, have her very first hotspot, and i've foudn some home remedies to try before giving up and taking her to the vet. ui should have more faith, but with her immune system compromised, anything she gets takes the big guns to get rid of. otherwise, she's been in great health - eating and sleeping and pooping and running and barking like a healthy pup should.

i've been doing more house stuff - new garden fence, tall enough to keep pup from scrambling over to get to the outer fence and the alley full of people and trucks and cars to bark at. the posts are about 6 feet tall, so i can hang lanterns or plants or windchimes. and more space for a bigger garden in better sun.

the new roof protected us well from the latest storms, so that means the bathroom ceiling gets to be fixed. it's very satisfying to get so much accomplished. my home is becoming my biggest, best project. only a few more weeks ntil the hard frost comes, so i have to get a move on with my crocus bulbs, and raking, and cleaning up the garden, and preparing new plots for next year. wouldn't it be lovely to have all the time in the world to do only what you wanted to do? what is that like, to determine one's own schedule, to not have demands of any kind except your very own? i wonder if i'll ever be able to retire and try it out...

sounds like a kind of heaven to me.

and where is my personal handy-man??

2005-09-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

i've been away for a while, i guess. my weekends have been eaten up, and that's when i get most of my time on the Internets. the wall is planted and pretty much finished, and i'm pleased with how it turned out. a couple of my neighbors have complemented me on it, so i suppose i won't be tossed out of the neighborhood. have i mentioned that no one has lanscaped their front hills? maybe i'll start the ball rolling.

been doing lots of house stuff - the roof will get done next week, and i'm hoping pup will be ok during it. i have no daycare possibilities, and i have to be at work for big meetings, so i'm pumping her up with pred and hopng for the best. she'll be fine. i'll leave her some grocery bags to tear apart (she loves that!) and some chewies to take out her frustration at strangers banging on the roof. it's only a couple of days, and i keep telling myself, she'll be fine. i hope. yes. she'll be fine. just fine

i'll soon be repairing patches between the sidewalk and house where the water runs into the basement. yes, runs. like a pretty little waterfall. with new gutters, and my patches, it should stop the leaks. and there's the last bit of gardening, and a few more transplants, and getting ready for winter. the temp got up to 67 today, after being in the nineties yesterday - horrible storms last night. but no damage on my block, so we were lucky. i need to trim my tree, weed the front flower beds, trim the edges along the fence, and organize my toolbench. hoo.

and now Rita is on her way to texas. i'm sending good thoughts and hopes for safety for everyone there.

soulful pace

2005-09-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

today was a gardening day - more soothing to my soul than any church or meditation or session with a shrink. i transplanted all the daylilies and iris i had to my front slope (someday, i will get pics on this thing, promise) and it's looking pretty nice, if i do say so myself. pup was racing around protecting me from bikers and people in the alley and other nefarious beasts. heavy labor is a great thing, in small doses, and i'm thrilled my back has decided to behave.

i got pup from my friend who has a farm. he used the pyrs for working - protecting the llamas and geese and scottish highland cattle and one pony. her dad was Thor, her mom Freya, and big beautiful animals they were. my sweet girl grew up in a barn with the pony until she was six months. human is definitely her second language, so i managed to find some books with dog language for me to learn and understand.anyway, now when she comes out to me mid-meal and *bhherrk*'s her approval of the kibble, i laugh, which only encourages her, and say, "were you raised in a barn??" it's our little joke.

farmer friend has "farmer pace", which is deliberate, un-hurried and infuriating to anyone trying to walk anywhere with him off the farm. he says that the work will still be there when he gets to it, whether he hurries or not. and he has to work all day, so pacing himself is vital.

i now have the farmer pace. lifting rocks, digging hills, loading sod bits into the trunk of my car to take to the compost site - all heavy, sweaty exhausting work, with no due date. so i take my time, walking deliberately, breathing, focusing on what the heck is next. it feels more meditative, too, more soulful and thoughtful. i think it has saved me from injury, so i'm going to keep it.

but not at work. too much to do there.

all i can do

2005-09-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

this week has been a blur. between watching the reports and doing what i can to help, i can't think. i yell at the radio reports - we are represented by such a selfish, asinine, arrogant jerk that i can hardly see straight. what a huge sacrifice for him to make, cutting his vacation short to come back to work and see what he could do 4 days after the disaster. AAAAGH!!!!! i would love to write what i'd like to do to his scrawny little lying throat, but i don't want the secret service on my doorstep. how dare he not be at his desk the MINUTE he knew the storm was going to hit?? and now he's speaking as though it's some project that didn't quite turn out the way he'd like. "I'm disappointed in the results, but we're making progress". and before that, practically denying that we need any help from other countries. JUST SHUT UP!! get out of the way and let the pople who can actually do something do it! i am even more pissed at the idiots who elected his worthless, imbecilic ass. i hope they are ashamed of themselves.

i wish i had the lottery won so i could send more to the humane society, the aspca, the red cross, everyone who can help those poor people and creatures get out, get food and water, get meds and help and sleep and shelter. my company is sending $8 million so far - i'm amazed. they match all donations by us and have sent even more beyond that. big companies have their advantages.

i keep putting myself in that situation - losing everything, only having time to grab pup, and where would i go? how would i survive? hell yes i'd break into a shop for water and food if i or my people or pup were starving. hell yes. my heart breaks for those who survived the storm only to die waiting for help. young, old, sick, injured. how can this happen? how will the survivors ever heal? thank the gods for their neighbors taking them in. i'm looking in to what i can do to help with the people coming all the way up here to minnesota, if my company will sponsor volunteer training to help, anything. this will last for years - the emotional scars, the health problems, the tragedy of the city of new orleans, and how they'll rebuild it. years and years.

and another day passes...

a little hope

2005-08-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

I’ve received word that novartis has their new supply ready to send out, and that they are taking steps to prevent it from happening again. Initially, I had a huge rush of relief! Florinef was not going to be a good choice for pup, since it has some of the prednisone activity in the med – pup is so sensitive to it, that as a long-term choice, it wouldn’t have been good. I had even begun thinking of ways to wear her out, so she’d use up the pred – long walks, lots of playdates, anything so she wouldn’t get over-predded. Then i realized, vets will get their supply first, then the distributors, so when would i get my order? I’d rather get pup’s next shot from the vet than do the florinef, and then get her stuff from my supplier. more questions for dr.m.

I’ve also joined a yahoogroup of Addison dog owners – lots of knowledge there. Just to have the resource available is a comfort – I’m on super-mom-worry mode most of the time because there are so many unknowns. I know they’ll be a great resource.

Pup as been blissfully unaware of all of this – she has been happy and bouncy. Although sometimes she’ll barf if she gets too much excitement near eating time, she’s been great. A playdate yesterday – we finished my retaining wall! Big thanks to t & mb and b – wonderful friends, all. I have a little finishing work to do, which will keep me off the streets, and it will be beautiful. Lots of flowers, and no lawn to mow on the vertical! Woohoo! And I am feeling my age – all that lifting and digging and I’m walking like an old woman. and now i'm off to do more! i do love digging around and getting dirty. everyone should be so lucky.

fighting, fighting.

2005-08-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

i am now experiencing the nightmare of Backordered Percorten-V, the stuff that keeps my sweet fuzzy faced girl alive, fer crying in the ketchup. there isn't any. i was lucky, i had a few ml's left from a previous vial, and was able to buy a ml from the vet, so pup will get her full shot this month. now we look at getting her onto Florinef, a pill form. i panicked when i began researching it - 3 or 4 sites had it listed as $1.39 per pill, and because it is given by weight, pup would need 9 pills a day. that's right, it would take about $375 a month to keep pup alive, not including her other meds, food and checkups, god forbid she have any more infections or emergencies. as i was seeing my financial future go further down the toilet, i happened onto a canadian site that carries Florinef for, get this, $0.29 cents a pill!! or somewhere around there. and so we go into a new adventure of finding ways to shove nine pills down pup's throat every day for the rest of her life. and figuring out the transition, and when her bloodwork should be checked now, side effects, and on... luckily, dr. m is back (and swamped) but i've played phone tag with her and she knows of my situation and wants pup to get on florinef now. i bet sales of that will skyrocket now.

this is my question, and it's a tiny one, really: how can a company not make a life-saving drug, from which they reap big profits? i know they are a for-profit business. i know drug companies are a necessary evil in our lives. and i know they don't give a shit about our precious pups and how far we will go to keep them safe and healthy. but they make the stuff - can there be a world-wide shortage of pivilate? or maybe they need to borrow a cup of desoxy?? or maybe the guy with the recipe left in a huff over being overlooked again for that promotion and a bigger cube - I DON"T CARE. MAKE THE DAMN MEDICATION. idiots.

i contacted Novartis, the manufacturer, and asked them why they were backordered, asked them to please hurry up and make it again. wonder if i'll hear from them...

i'm ready to have a boring, rut-filled life. i'm ready for pup to sleep by me on the couch, relaxed and satisfied by her easy, healthy life. i'm ready. my latest hopes: that pup will react well to the new meds, that she will learn to love having things shoved down her throat, that i will learn not to worry about things before they happen.

i have never fought so much as i have lately. for my pup, for my home, for my neighborhood, my world. i must be getting old, because i don't care what people think anymore. i know myself better than ever, and i will continue on that path, becoming more and more assured in my actions and beliefs. i will not be bullied anymore, i will not be afraid all the time. maybe it just took something worth fighting for.

peace, you big world, you.

some puzzlements

2005-08-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

pup has 6 more days of antibiotics, out of 21. yikes, but that's a lot of pills. her symptoms have lifted, although she had her first incontinence yesterday in a good 3 months. she was also run down - gave her a little pred, and she's better today.

my heart freezes every time she has any symptom. my imagination goes skyrocketing into the nightmare of ICU and tubes and resistant bacteria and stones, and i know my worry vibes go straight into her so that i can't tell what is her reacting to me, and what is her just feeling crappy. i must learn to ease up on the worry thing. right. easy.

still hot, but not blistering like it was a few weeks ago. she's going through ice like crazy - keeps her hydrated nicely, plus flushes out her system of more beasties. we're relaxing in the air conditioning today.

i found a treasure in my own backyard this weekend! minnesota has a ga-jillion parks all over the place, and one is only 6 miles from my house! i explored saturday morning, 7am, and hiked a great 3.7 mile trail through prairie and woods, around a lake. that's my kind of gym! lots of other trails, too, and beautifully kept. there are horse trails and bike trails, and all of them ski trails in the winter, so i'm definitely getting those cross country skis i've been wanting! i'll keep checking craigslist for equipment.

the best way for me to get myself back is a quiet hike in the woods. i'd take pup along, but the deer ticks are probably everywhere out there, and lyme would be dangerous for her. maybe in the winter, on the regular hiking trails, but i think i want this mostly for my own.

sometimes i have to convince myself it's ok to be a little selfish so i can take care of other people better. i wonder why i feel so guilty about doing something i love so much? gotta get over that!

working on getting photos on here. my system at home is too tiny, so i may use m's or maybe mine at work after hours, if they say ok. working at a big company has it's advantages, as long as you got approvals...

xxoo.

pupdate

2005-07-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

got the news from the vet - sweet puppety has a bladder infection. they will complete the culturing and id an antibiotic that'll kill the beasites.

ugh. if her urine pH goes too alkaline, she's susceptible to infection. if her urine goes too acid, the stones can form. so which is worse? too many courses of antibiotics can produce resistant strains, blah, blah. this is her third infection in a little over a year. i'll be grilling dr. m when she's back from her vacation, that's for sure.

i guess i just have to keep watching her like a hawk - she has no symptoms right now, strong thing that she is. the stand-in vet was impressed that i caught it at all. so that's good news anyway - she's eating, has good energy, and keeps nibbling my armpit! oh, sweet girl, ok, i'm coming...

pup alert

2005-07-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

sweet pup has been multi-squatting the last few days. i'll call dr. m tomorrow and get her opinion. pup goes out, takes a goodly pee, then not 3 minutes later does a semi-squat and nothing comes out, and over and over. something's irritating her bladder. i don't think it's an infection, though.

her symptoms: multi squats, no extra licking/cleaning, no inflammation, one big puddle inside today.

Infection: inflammed urethra area, lots of licking, several small pee spots inside, constant full squatting, bloody urine, inappetite, lethargic.

she is off her food a little, eating eventually, but not the appetite she usually has. she has good energy, although it's tough to tell with the heat we had for the last week or so - we've been inside mostly. if we do need to go in for a U/A and ultrasound, it's best to go fast. in and out, pay later, they know where i live. mitigate stress if at all possible and a fast visit is a low-stress visit.

ugh. the possibility of more stones means x-rays, exams, another hydropulsion procedure, stricter diet, more monitoring. she's on the urinary diet, and dr.m said treats were ok - i think that may be where the calcium could have come from, if there are more stones. and who, praytell, was the brilliant person who decided not to put ingredients on dog treats? better find me some good recipes for homemade...

let's hope it's not stones. hope is a good thing. i hope, i hope, i hope.

she had her DOCP shot yesterday. another healthy month for pup. and i got her another jewel for her necklace! ok, not really, it's just a tag for her collar, but they're a valuable as jewels. i ordered it from my usual supplier of Percorten - this one has Needs Medication as the first line, then our home info and my phone number. she also has her license, rabies and vet info, plus the microchip info on there, jingling her safely to me, if she were ever to get out and away. they're better than diamonds.

such a sweet, sweet pup. she really makes my life so much better than if i didn't have her. such a pup.

thinking of London

2005-07-07T18:48:00.000-07:00

my heart goes out to the people of Great Britain. i woke up to the news on NPR, and sat listening, hoping that no one had been killed, that injuries were small, and the news through the day told another story. and i ask why? and is there any place that is really safe? and can't people just let go of their hate? no answers here, no answers.

i live in a borderline neighborhood - my street and south is a pretty good, diverse, blue collar area with lots of great families and older folks. 1 block north, and it turns shady - lots of drug deals, gun shots, lots of listings on the police blotters, for several blocks up. a shooting a few years ago made me seriously consider getting out. but to where? what could i afford? and really, bad things happen everywhere, in every neighborhood. except on that private island that i dream of, where pup could run without fences, and no noisy neighbors would bother me with music i really dislike, and no backing up trucks would beep-beep their way into my dreams at 5am on tuesdays. the one drawback: it would require the mafia to guard it, and that gets into all sorts of weaponry and laundering of money, and i just have no training in that area.

neighborhoods get better and worse because of those who live there and those who care about it. i'm staying because i am so bold as to think i'm one of the good people, and i do care about having a peaceful, "howdy neighbor" kind of place to live. i hope i get to stay here a long time in my sweet little bungalo on a double lot with the garden of my dreams and lots of pup space.

and i hope for peace, and that London knows how many people over the earth care and ache and hope for them.

old friends

2005-06-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

my girlfriend's birthday bash was terrific! so many beautiful friends, all of their stories, and only a few days to get them all told! we barely slept - everyone stayed with s, sleeping on the floor, the couch, anywhere horizontal. and we danced - oh, but that was tangible joy! in college, we danced every weekend, sometimes during the week, anywhere the cover was free or cheap. the music took us back, to tight-ankled jeans, shoulderpads, big hair, bigger earrings, bright colors, pointy shoes, and new independence that gave us the people we are now. the music got inside us and moved us like we hadn't moved in so many years - we all talked about how we'd stopped going out dancing and wondered why, when it was so beautiful.

more dancing is what we need. i think it would improve the world.

xxoo.

hitting 40

2005-06-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

my best friend is turning 40 this summer and is throwing a huge blow-out of a party later this month. most of the college group will be there, and we have been assigned to deck our bodies in 80's regalia and prepare to dance all night. my 40th was earlier this year and i did not have the trauma i hear others have. i'm just glad to be here, basically healthy and happy, with lots of love given and received.

what is it that makes people become upset over how old they are? 30, 40, 50, all of these are supposedly dark, horrible days full of wailing and gnashing of teeth over wrinkles and pot bellies and promise unfulfilled. how can anyone not rejoice at one more year around the sun to make mistakes and find treasures and tempt fate? why should age mean that one must lose one's sense of humor and become grey and shrouded in Adulthood?

i have a grey streak in my hair. had it since i was twenty, and i earned it, thank you very much. the streak has grown over the years, and a few white hairs have escaped to the rest of my skull. this is what i hope: that i will never color my hair, that i will go completely white as the years pass, that i will keep my hair long or else cut it jessica tandy short, with my scottish ears sticking out proudly, a big head of permanent bedhead perched atop a pencil neck. i hope to laugh every day. i hope to be thankful for every additional year i'm given, that i won't waste time, that i'll spend time thoughtfully, and with people i love who love me. i hope that i won't be lonely in my old age, and that someday i'll have a family.

ooo, and that i'll win a lifetime supply of oreos.

xxoo

vets rock.

2005-05-28T06:46:00.000-07:00

update for the puppy - we've been continuing her walks - we're up toa good 45 minutes of brisk trotting. PLUS, when we get back, if the weather is dry (a rare thing in these minnesota springs) we stay outside, and she patrols and zooms around like it's nothing. such a pup!

the DES is now given once a week, the PPA is given twice a day, and dr. m is happy, especially about the DES only once a week. it can hinder the bone marrow's red blood cell production, so the lowest dose is best. and her monthly shot of DOCP is getting even easier - pup knows it's coming, and just wants to examine the needle after. curious pup, she. and i write everything down in her journal, what i give when, any behavioral changes, and vomiting or odd poopage. it's all about the poop. the info is incredibly valuable if she starts feeling crappy.

be sure to give your vet periodic updates on how your pet is doing - they appreciate the good news so much, especially if they mostly see your fuzzy babe when they're not doing so well. every little victory is a comfort to them on bad days, i'd bet. vets are wonderful people.

xxoo

2005-05-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

ok, people, just how much rain can we get?? i'm really ready to get out there and do some serious gardening and we have nothing but rain, showers, sprinkles, storms and gully-washers. i'm all inspired from my trip to see brotherman out east and i'm stuck inside.

DC is amazing. i could spend a day in each museum, and we had only 2 days. i think we covered it all, with the parents in tow. my favorite was the Lincoln Memorial. bro got some great pics - maybe someday i'll learn how to post those as well.

pup did well with m while i was gone. she's a little off her food, but that may be because of all the extra treats she was getting! he does love her, and loves to spoil her. she's still dry, has great energy and the walks are jogged the whole way. what a difference a year makes.

a friend recently lost her pup. 14 years of a great life he had, and they decided it was time to let him go. i'll send a card - such loss is so heartbreaking, and knowing friends are there to support you is so important. i hope every day to give my sweet girl the best life she can have, and i'm so glad she's getting better. her Addison's makes me thankful for every day, and with each shot i think, "one more healthy month for her".

love your fuzzy-faced babes, give them extra attention and be thankful for the love they give you!

xxoo

puppy in the rain!

2005-05-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

we've been walking every day for a week! pup's endurance is so improved - no crashes after we cruise, no groaning when she curls up for a nap, still lots of energy after going for a good 35 - 40 minute walk. such a rock star she is - people love to come meet her and pet her, especially kids. tonight we got soaked by the rains that have been coming through the last few days. mmm... wet dog smell...

it's a good thing she's cute.

xxoo

happy mother's day!

2005-05-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

and a beautiful day it is. called my mom and sent her big love - this is a tough time of year for her, and i try to keep things separate. my sweet one sent an e-mail from my pup, a little card and photo of her fuzzy face wishing me happy mama's day. love rocks.

last wednesday i decided that i needed to make steph's anniversary something positive, so i bought a huge bag of kitty and puppy toys and took it to the Humane Society near where i live. m had never been to one - he thought of it as a sad, depressing place, but this one was bright and clean, with friendly people, and no sad howling in the background. And after we went there, i felt lighter, like it was just what steph would have liked me to do. the sadness wasn't so present. i wish my folks would do something too, and maybe they will, when they're ready.

i'm thinking about volunteering there, if my vet will assure me i won't bring home any nasty bugs to my immune-system-challenged pup. i support no-kill shelters with all of my heart, and i think that makes it even more important to help the humane society. if i can help socialize a dog and make it more adoptable, then that's where my efforts should be. i hope it works out.

listening to Birdie's radio show this eve - she reminds me of steph.

xxoo

My big sister Stephanie

2005-05-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Steph died two years ago tomorrow, and it feels like a million years and yesterday. She’s even become sort of famous in a macabre sort of way – she has her own Storm Story on the freakin weather channel. She’d have loved that. I think she always wanted to be a star, the blonde bombshell that she was, Daryl Hannah with boobs. and really, she was a star. everyone who met her fell in love with her. I idolized her. And I miss her.

She was on her farm when the tornadoes came – they were right in the path, so she went to be with her horses in the barn, calming them, playing with them, keeping panic at the door, keeping them from hurting themselves. Mike tried 3 times to get her to come to the shelter, and she refused, she was staying with the horses, protecting them with her courage - i don't know why they didn't let them out to fend for themselves. Too protective, maybe? Finally, he convinced her to go, and they ran for the storm cellar, but the tornado came up over the barn – mike threw steph to the ground and covered her with his body. And old oak was shattered by the twister as it went over, and part of it fell, hitting Steph. Head injury, it was instant. Mike was ok, but shattered inside. He would take a long time to heal. The barn was ok and her horses safe.

Any time I see television footage now of tornadoes, I freeze, pulse races, throat catches, can’t breathe, can’t look away. I got the call from my mother, at 11:00 pm Sunday, May 4, 2003. Late night calls are never good, and I picked up, terrified. “I have some horribly sad news”, mo said. “it’s Stephanie. She’s been killed in a storm”, and everything else she said went to fog. “I’ll be there tomorrow” I said, bodiless voice from nowhere, just reacting, knowing I had to get there, somehow. “I love you”, she said. “I love you too, so so much”, and we hung up. I cried a little, then started shaking and realized that I was not going to be able to get home without help. I couldn’t remember anyone’s phone number, so I hit re-dial, and marcus answered. “I need your help. My sister’s been killed and I have to get home.” “I’m on my way” was all I remember him saying., although I’m sure he asked for details and how and what and where about this sister he’d never met.

And then he’s here, holding me, taking the phone out of my hand that I didn’t remember holding, and I start breathing again, crying, shaking, so much pain trying to come out all at once. Even now it stops me, the pain comes again and the time doesn’t matter, having gone through all the steps of grieving doesn’t matter, I hurt and I miss my sister and I cry and I want her back, damnit.

“let me think for you”, he said, and my sweet man got me on the first flight out, arranged a car rental, stayed at my house with pup, even mowed the lawn, fer cryin in the ketchup. How do such beautiful, wonderful people keep showing up in my life? He and my girl mb even cleaned the house before I got back. I am so lucky to have such amazing, caring people who love me so much.

Here’s my view of life: horrible, painful, terrible things happen. I do NOT believe (caution: religious-ish views ahead) that there is a god sitting on a cloud deciding that some random person should die a horrible sudden painful death because said god had a job for said innocent to do. When good-intentioned folk tried to comfort me with “god needed her more, it’s part of god’s plan” bullshit, I gritted my teeth and thanked them, because I knew they meant well. I can’t believe that there is a god so cruel. I won’t. I refuse.

What I do believe is that bad things happen, and love heals it. We are on this earth to help each other through the shit, linked arm in arm, holding each other up in turn. I was held up, lifted up, by the support (oh, but I understand that word so much more now) and love of my friends for me and for my family. Cards, e-mails, flowers, donations to animal shelters, so many beautiful bits of love flying to us and wrapping us up, protecting us, comforting us, carrying us in a crazy quilt of kindness.

I was home for a week, helping with the arrangements, taking phone calls from the papers, answering the door and talking with people who brought ham, flowers, casseroles, more ham, and oh, yes, some ham. It is Missouri, after all. The funeral was small, just family and close friends, not religious so much. For the reception after, we found great photos of steph; showing her saddlebreds, feeding gulls in mexico, in a party hat when she was little – we put that one in a snow-globe. Steph had a beautiful ironic, wry sense of humor and would’ve liked that. We talked and laughed about the crazy Stephanie stories. Most everyone said I look just like her, and those were the best compliments of my life. My little sister and big brother and i just sort of huddled together with my parents, trying to find a way to be a family without her.

Previous losses by death, divorce, breakups small and large, felt like there was a hole in me somewhere. A limb missing, a task forgotten, an indefinable something out of place. Losing Stephanie was loss beyond everything. I feel diminished on the cellular level. She and I and my brother and little sister are of the same stuff of life, the same dna, the same playdoh. Without her, we’re an incomplete set. The grief in my parents is palpable, and they’ve become old, even elderly. No parent should ever lose a child. Ever, ever. I cry for my parents’ pain and hope for their comfort.

I’ve had one dream of steph. She wore a fantastically colored sweater, out by her paddock, and everything was early-spring green and lush. Her hair was dark (no Clairol in heaven, maybe?) and long and pulled back into a ponytail. She had a huge smile and I asked her if she were ok, and she nodded, and grinned, and hugged me. As I woke up I could still feel the hug.

i think about her every day. i look in the mirror, trying to see her face in mine. i feel like i need to live a better life now, experience it more fully, so she'll somehow get to live along with me.

xxoo

merry month of may

2005-05-01T05:55:00.000-07:00

i'm definitely getting old. every time a new month breaks i think, "well where the hell did (previous month) go??" april was successful in that the puppy incontinence has abated, at least for now. she is now on 2xs weekly DES and 2xs daily PPA. the ppa is crushed and sprinkled over her food, since the tabs are supposed to be eaten in 'delicious chewable tablets'. right. they need to coat it with cheddar cheese and gravy if they want dogs to actually eat the things. bleh.

so no more diapers, much more confidence in what i'll find when i come home. stress level = coming down, cautiously. what shall i do with my time?? a good thing this whole spring thing seems to be working out - grass to be mowed, garden to be filled with plant life, walks to be taken, grilling to be... grilled. whee!

lalala.
xxoo

great checkup, ma!

2005-04-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

i took pup in for her annual re-check, and all her values are right where they should be. dr. m said that since her immune system is compromised by her Addison's, she should wait for her next vaccination until 2007. if pup were at a higher risk to contract anything - playing with puppies, showing, in lots of contact with unknown dogs - she should have them, but since she's not high-risk, we can wait a few years.

so many things to balance, so many things to consider. i'm glad dr. m is now her primary vet, since she is an Addison's specialist, she can factor in everything that otherwise would be overlooked. and it was really nice to see dr. m in person. we do most of our communication over voicemail, and that lack of human contact can be frustrating. i doubt that human contact can ever be replaced by technology - augmented, but not replaced.

and my back went out the day after the vet visit. i think because pup was freaked by our entrance to the vets - i don't know what happened, but it seemed like someone had screamed just as we walked in, but all was quiet. after a second, it calmed a little and i looked around and everyone else was fine, waiting for their doc or to get checked in. pup forgot all of her manners and was yanking on the leash, pulling to get to the exit. once we got to the exam room, she was ok, but wow, what an entrance. i'm wondering if maybe we had a psychic dog moment and that the fear and anxiety (it was like static pouring over me, i couldn't see or hear for a few seconds) was what pup was feeling. poor dear, if that's what she's feeling when we go to the vet! i so wish i could take that anxiety away from her. but can you imagine? for me to be a dogpsychic...would that be cool or what?!? i could get my own show, sorta like Ms. Troy on Star Trek NG - "i'm sensing fear, captain..."

except that it only happened that once. *sigh*

anyway, my back is out, i'm hopped up on muscle relaxants, and i missed a day and a half of work. bleh.

xxoo

addison dog

2005-04-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

so that was our first year as Addisonian. every dog is unique, so please realize that this is only our story, one of thousands. my account is not meant to substitue a veterinarian's guidance! as i wrote in an earlier post, ALWAYS check with your vet if you have any concerns about your dog's behavior!

the internets are a wonderful thing - do your research. watch your dog. WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN! keep a journal of everything they do that's unusual - vomiting, diarrhea, when meds are given, eating habits, sleeping habits - because patterns may emerge that you otherwise wouldn't see. ask questions - a good vet won't mind. make sure you understand what they're saying, don't pretend like you do, because it means the health of your dog or cat. they depend on you to get it right.

ok, my pup is nibbling my armpit, so i'd better go attend to her pupness.
xxoo

how to give regular baths to a really big dog

2005-04-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

Her incontinence and occasional diarrhea made washing her rear a regular necessity. I had always given her baths in my bathtub, which was not an easy process. The slippery tub(even with a towell in the bottom and no-slip pads), the tall sides, the closed space, made it a stressful event. i had to find something easier.

I have an unfinished basement, with my washer and dryer, concrete floors, and a large double sink. The faucet of the sink has a screw nozzle so I twisted on a length of hose. I took a hard plastic wading pool and cut a small hole in the base to let the water flow into the drain. I put a small pup blanket under the pool to keep it from skittering around and limit noise. I took an old leash and attached it to the stronger of the pipes so I could hook her up and have both hands free to wash her. I keep a good pile of old towels near for drying, and a bottle of watered-down dog shampoo for easy distribution.

The pool is easy for her to step into and out of, the bottom has a texture to it so it isn’t slippery. The water drains out easily, so she’s not wading in water, which pyrs don’t really like, at least mine doesn't. I can get her in and out in 5 minutes if i'm just doing her posterior.

Before a full bath, she gets a little pred, 2 mg. After the bath, lots of rest and a few treats, and lots of love.

Canine Incontinence

2005-04-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

All through this, as a secondary (or would that be tertiary?) condition, she was occasionally incontinent, always in her sleep, and usually when she was really pooped. I hadn’t said anything to Dr, M because everything else was so much more important to her survival. What’s a little pee when her kidneys could blow up at any second?! The threat of her getting sick again was like walking the razors edge. One false move….

I eventually asked Dr. M about it, and she said that the Addison’s disease paired with her being spade gave her a hormone deficiency that could cause the incontinence – there’s a hormone that keeps the urethral sphincter tight, and without it, when she’s very relaxed, it gets loose and leakage occurs. Happens to humans too, especially after menopause and /or childbirth. The bladder infection certainly didn’t help, and I thought that hopefully, after that was cured, the accidents would stop. At the time, she didn’t suggest any medication, and I was too busy with the Addison’s and bladder infection to think about yet another condition to correct, so I let it slide, and hoped it would improve.

Her first accident happened the first week of suspected kidney infection, before diagnosis. She was on the couch in her usual spot, and suddenly got up. There was a wet spot, but no smell – her urine was so dilute because of all of the IV fluids and lack of kidney function. The next accidents were about every other week, that I’d notice, anyway – I think her fluffy rear section soaked up and hid the smaller ones. She was getting butt baths because she as also having diarrhea, so there was no smell to indicate any frequency.

As we continued through the next few months, I noticed more accidents, probably because she was beginning to lose her fur to the prednisone. We could see her pink skin beneath a fuzz of fur along her back – not completely bald, but close. There was no resistance when I’d brush her. She lost all the fur on her belly and the long hair on the backs of her legs. Her tail was no longer a long plume, but more like a lab’s tail. I had to be sure to keep her out of the sun, and the mosquitos loved her! One evening we were out for an hour or so, enjoying the yard, and her poor belly got covered in bites - she was miserable. Ice packs, once again, helped the itching, and we kept her inside during the buggy parts of the day the rest of the summer. Once she was off the prednisone, her fur started coming back in, and she looked more and more like the fluffy pyr she used to be.

I thought I could reduce the incontinence by limiting her water after 7pm or so. I work an 8 to 5 job, and she had learned not to drink too much so she wouldn’t get uncomfortable. Between her limiting herself, and my limiting her during the week, she was slowly getting dehydrated, and the incontinence actually became more frequent.

Here’s the bottom line: Addison’s + being spade + imbalanced electrolytes = perfect condition for incontinence. Her electrolytes can get imbalanced by being dehydrated. To help prevent incontinence, she needs to drink lots of water. Ironical.

during the days when she has little spots, she gets a diaper every night, a break while I’m getting ready for work, and another during the day, and a big break from dinner to bedtime. I’ve converted (warning: product plug) Goodnights™ for boys into rather lovely puppy lingere – I cut the legs up a bit for her legs, and a slit up the back to accommodate her tail – a safety pin holds it in place at the base of tail on her back. Can I just say, amazing technology!! Those things can really hold liquid! I experimented after a dry night – I poured a whole glass of water, maybe 6 ounces, and it sucked it right up. Wow. She was beginning to get a rash, and that has cleared up nicely. She also sleeps better, because if she does have an accident, she doesn’t wake up in a puddle all confused wondering who the hell poured the water dish on her. I sleep better because she sleeps better, because she’s not coming to get me to let her out after every accident. And less laundry, and less cleaning of carpets. I also have more confidence letting her sleep on my bed with me.The diapers rock.

the stones

2005-04-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

She began to lose more energy, and soon had a small crash – really lethargic, cold, diarrhea, no interest in food. I called Dr. M, and she said to give her pred regularly – 10 mg immediately, then 5 a day while she’s low and more as needed. I know now that being sick with the stones and then the infection is Stress and needed regular pred. Lesson learned. probably because she wasn’t eating and still being given the antibiotic (along with her levels being off), her stomach was pretty upset and vomited about every other day. I started putting a little baking soda and sugar in her ice and water dish, and this seemed to help a little – about an hour after drinking it, she’d eat a little something, usually a biscuit. She also had some saltines one day, then a little kibble – whatever it took to help her keep down her pills.

We scheduled the procedure for early January – hyropulsion, where they put a catheter up into her bladder, fill it with water, and squish her bladder to flush out the stones. To squish her bladder, they have to stand her up while she’s anethsetized, to make the stones get down to her urethra. 110 pounds of sleeping pup weight – I felt sorry for them, I have to say. If pup doesn’t want to go somewhere, she “llamas” – just lays down and flops onto her side, smart little girl, and she is heavy. I hoped they had some football players doing workstudy to help out. along with this, they were also prepared to do a lithotripsy – a new study being done on dogs, and would be free if used, where they zap the stones with a laser and flush out the pulverized pieces.

The day finally came, and she was in pretty good shape, with 2 days of almost normal eating. She got 20mg pred the day of the procedure, and in at 7am. Dr. E was in charge of the procedure, so he called once they were through – the stones were indeed calcium oxylate, and some were attached to her bladder wall! They are shaped like little ninja-stars, and I can only imagine how painful that must have been, attached to her bladder wall! Yes, Attached To Her Bladder Wall. Poor sweet puppy!

She had one more week on the antibiotic, and her appetite was returning to normal. She was on pred for a few days after the procedure, then didn’t need the daily dose. She did seem more sensitive to stress, and I became proactive with her pred needs.

She started the Urinary SO Waltham diet to prevent further stones. Since the ultrasounds last year didn’t show any stones, they formed this last year. The stones were probably from the big doses of pred in the first phase of Addison’s, which causes calcium to shed. She’ll be on the diet for the rest of her life, since sometimes Addison's can cause pups to "click over" and shed calcium. it's just not worth the risk, and dr. m sez that since the diet is nutritionally sound, it's better than taking the chance, having her form stones again, and go through the procedure again. it's prescription, it's expensive, but not as expensive as another procedure (plus the cost to her health), that's for sure.

She’s on a twice a week dose of DES, and all the water she wants, and the incontinence has become rare.

She’s regained the real sparkle in her eyes, she defends our territory furiously from the evil bunnies and squirrels, and barks most of the day like a great pyr should. She has a beautiful bounce in her trot, and romps with gusto. My baby is doing really well.

Cautious optimism.

but wait. there's more...

2005-04-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

In August, she had another kidney profile before her DOCP shot, and everything looked good – I was to keep her at 4cc’s per month. Her urinalysis showed good concentration, and good levels – her kidneys probably had very little damage from the infection. Good news all ‘round and again I breathed a little easier.

I had a dog camp in September with the husky boys, and the 2nd night in, pup had an accident - incontinence when she sleeps. I know now she should have had some pred before the boys came, because of the increased activity. She had a small barf the 3rd day..

She barfed a couple of weeks later, right before the shot, and again a few days later. I was told that this is actually a common sign in the first year or so of being on DOCP, so long as it’s not every day and seems to get better after a bit. Always, ALWAYS check with your vet if you have ANY concerns at all about your dog’s behavior. ALWAYS.

In October, her incontinence accidents were more frequent, maybe every 10 days or so. I called Dr. M and she gave me a prescription of PPA. These came in “delicious chewable tablets” that pup refused to eat, so I had to shove them down her throat. A few weeks later, she was also put on DES, which is an estrogen replacement.

The first week of November, she had an evening of multi-squatting, so to the vet again, and when they ultrasounded to find her bladder, they found stones. That familiar anxiety came back, that “ what is she going to have to endure to fix it this time?” worry cloaked me. X-rays were scheduled, and they seemed to be of struvite. A special diet for pup, and back in 4 weeks.

The S/D diet can dissolve struvite stones, so that other procedures wouldn’t be necessary. As they dissolve, it’s possible that bacteria from earlier infections, trapped in the layers of stone, can be released and cause another infection. This froze my heart – I was terrified she would get re-infected with the tenacious strain, and the Amikasen wouldn’t work, and I would lose her. I cried a lot.

It was time for her follow-up x-ray to see if the diet had dissolved anything. There was no change, therefore the stones weren’t struvite and they had to be calcium oxylate. She got to go back on her regular diet, and we waited for the procedure in a few weeks.

We watched her every move while she was outside – any indication of blockage would mean an ER visit. She didn’t have her usual energy, and moved gingerly. Soon she started having blood on her rear leg fur after her potty breaks. Sometimes the DES can make the dog go into estrus, and I thought it was just that. Then I realized that she no longer has a uterus, so she couldn’t have estrus! I took her in for a UC and yep, another bladder infection. I was so frightened that it would be the old vicious bug. Luckily, this one reacted to a broad-spectrum antibiotic. She was on a super dose, two tablets 3 times a day, so I had to get creative with giving pills. I learned to encase them with cheese, with a quick follow-up of more cheese. She’d gulp the first pill/cheese to get to the second pill-free bit.

I knew that she was not to have any dairy, since the stones were probably of calcium, but I figured the risk was negligible at this point. i just wanted her to get her pills.

finally, a break

2005-04-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

I continued to watch her like a hawk, ready to pack her up and fly to the ER at any variant sign. It was impossible for me to leave her outside for more than 5 minutes unattended. I woke at the slighted noise in the night – she got into the habit of a 3am potty break, and I didn’t mind at all, because it gave me a chance to check on her, make sure she was ok. but I needed to break that cycle so i could be a better mom.

Once I was confident she was stable, M and I took a weekend north so I could try to interrupt this hyper-alert pattern I’d developed. I think M needed the break as much as I did. He would call every day for a pupdate – how she was feeling, what she ate, treats, poop (it’s all about the poop). Anytime I called him, he answered in a panic, sure that I was at the ER with a new development. We were in mama and papa overdrive. We took along photos of her and had multiple daily pupfixes, which took the edge off. There was something really wonderful about being out of my house and not worrying about when I’d need to get back to care for her. Pup stayed with her auntie and uncle and cousins (2 fantastic huskie boys!) so she was in great hands. 2 days away and I was refreshed, but missed pup something fierce. I was glad to be back home.

She hadn’t eaten much while I was away, so the little bit of pred she as on at this point, just 1.25mg, really affected her. She had some dinner when we got back home, and evened out. That’s still something I need to work on – getting her to eat when I’m not around.

In June she was healthy enough to get her vaccinations. No Lyme shot, though, since it compromises the immune system, and hers is already compromised. Used frontline instead.

In July, we started walks around the lake to help with her weight loss. Usually during the walks, she’d have 2 poops; one normal, one slightly soft-serve. I began giving her a bit of pred, about 1 mg, before going, and that kept her happy.

Once she was off the daily pred, and because there were side effects of having more than she needed, I was usually reactive – I’d wait until she seemed low-pred (lethargic, droopy, glazed eyes, sometimes diarrhea)) and then give her a small dose. Now I’m more proactive, giving her a small dose before playdates, before vet visits, before walks and baths. The reactive approach did give me an idea of what activities would make her low-pred, but I don’t think it’s the best way to keep her level in the long run.

and now, a lovely infection for the pup

2005-04-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Day 6 after ICU and Diagnosis, and she started to looking pretty lethargic. Day 7, and she was squatting multiple times, and getting me up every hour through the night to go out. I called the ER, and they said she could be blocked, could have an infection. 3am and I’m zooming with pup to the ER. They ultrasounded her, no blockage found, took a urine sample and did a UA and UC. A preliminary spin showed blood and white cells – infection, so given broad-spectrum antibiotics. They did more cultures to determine which bug it is and what will kill it.

It was an E Coli, super resistant, and they were pretty sure she caught it from the ICU. After 4 weeks of several cultures and tests, the one that would definitely wipe the bug out was Amikasen. This has the possible side effect of Kidney failure, is injected, and feels like a bee sting when given. Since her system had been so recently compromised, Dr. M also wanted her to get 1 liter of subcutaneous fluids every day. Timing was important – pup need the amikasen to stay in her system as long as possible to kill as many bugs as possible. The fluid needs to be given when I will be able to let her out to pee every hour or so. I finally figured out that the shot should given over lunch when I would bring M with me to massage pup’s ears while I stung her back end with antibiotic – subcutaneous, so it didn’t hurt as badly as it might if I had to inject straight into a muscle. Then every evening, I had pup lay next to me, and I gave her the fluids. I used my floor lamp as an IV stand, and discovered that if I insert the needle into the loose skin around her neck, I can get the whole liter into her in about 20 minutes.

And every other day, she had to go in to get a urine draw to check her kidney function. If her values changed at all, we would have to take her off the Amikasen and figure out something else. Every day, every night, I actually prayed to whatever is out there, to my sister, my grandmothers, my friends, anyone, to keep her kidneys strong, to let her get better, to kill the bugs, because if this didn’t work, what were the options? Were there any options? It took them 4 weeks to find Amikasen, so how long to find something else that worked? To get her through the Addison crisis only to have her die from a bladder infection seemed terribly cruel. 2 weeks of this, and it seemed interminable, made worse since I was getting little sleep, letting her out to pee through the night, and still so sick with worry about the unknown.

Side note: these were the visits that made her so wary of going to the vet's– each draw, they had her lay on her back (so vulnerable) while they took urine with a needle. Now whenever she sees a tech coming toward her, she crawls up onto my chair and hides behind me, sometimes she shakes with stress. I make sure she gets a little pred before each visit, no matter what they’re going to do.

Meanwhile, I was still easing her down off the pred. She started at 20mg a day, then to 10, then to 7.5, week by creeping week. She would bark crazily, and to say that about a pyr, the barking champion of all dogs, is saying a lot. But the memory of her being so sick and still and quiet tempered that, and I knew she wouldn’t be so loud forever. She’d also pant at a crazy rate, like she was having a hot flash. We started putting cold packs on her belly when they seemed particularly bad, and M even bought an especially designed bed with pockets for coldpacks. These helped quite a bit, but the bottom line was to get her off the pred as quickly and safely as possible.

Pup was eating with gusto, and at first I let her eat all she wanted to gain back some weight. I’m particularly sensitive to being underweight – I was sick for several years and became “scary-skinny”, made especially frightening because I couldn’t control it. I’m fine now, but old fears die hard. So pup gained her pounds back in a few weeks, plus a few – up to 113! Some was pred weight – it can puff one up. Dr. M wanted her to get back down to 105 or so, so the limits were made. This was new – a pup who really REALLY wanted more food but couldn’t have it! Luckily, one of her favorite treats is a bowl if ice, so she has several bowls a day, which is also really good for her kidneys.

A few more weeks, and a few more cultures, and she was clear of the infection. I could breathe a little better, but only with guarded optimism. Breathing became a hobby of those other people, those relaxed ones.

journal: Addison diagnosis

2005-04-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

History pre-diagnosis

Pup: born October 4, 2000; Great Pyrenees, mostly white with some gold and a little gray on her rear, and usually about 110 pounds. Has a little gold spot on her head, which I took for a smudge and cleaned it for a good 15 minutes before realizing it was just part of her face. Although I had done extensive research on the breed prior to adopting, I missed the 2-dewclaw part, and when I brought her home, was convinced she was a beautiful mutant puppy, perfect in every way and especially because of her extra toes! In my continued education, I discovered it’s part of the breed, with a few theories – the one I like is the snowshoe theory, that it helps them stay up on top of the snow. That two little toes can help support over 100 pounds on a few feet of new powder doesn’t really fly with me, but I like the idea. She’s still the most wonderful pup in the universe, even if there are other pups with extra toes. Currently happy, healthy and barky like a good pyr should be.

Pup was always a finicky eater, which I found really strange. I grew up with labs, setters and mixes and none of them ever turned down anything edible or inedible for that matter, ever. Pup would nibble her food , graze all day and sometimes not even finish. At the vets she never took treats offered (still doesn’t), and took forever to accept the new food when I made the transition from puppy food to adult. She was a gangly pup, no extra weight at all, usually 95 to 98 pounds.

After play dates, she would be really pooped – not necessarily a warning sign by itself, but part of the Addison’s package. When we’d travel, an 8 hour road trip to visit her grandparents, she wouldn’t want anything to eat for a day or two. If I had to leave her behind when I’d have to travel to non-dog-friendly places, she would barely eat with her dog camp counselors. Some of this is separation anxiety from some not-so-great initial training, which we’ve since mostly overcome, but some is surely stress response.

At the end of February 2004, her appetite got worse, only half of what she usually ate. I thought maybe it was a bad tooth, because she ate a little soft food and still was drinking ok. On Sunday, she was very lethargic, like I hadn’t seen in her before. I took her to her vet the next day, where they did a urinalysis (UA) and blood draw, and her creatinine and BUN levels were off. They started a urine culture (UC) and scheduled her for IV fluid therapy. They suspected a kidney infection, and mentioned the slight possibility of a disease called Addison’s.

For 2 days I dropped her off in the morning and picked her up at 5 so they could give her IV fluids all day to help her kidneys out. She reacted well, and although the UC came back negative, we started her on antibiotics just in case. After 5 days, however, she started declining again, no appetite. Thinking the antibiotics might be bugging her gut, they had me give her Pepcid once a day, but it had no effect. Her breath started to have an ammonia smell to it, she had severe diarrhea, and ate nothing. She was going into kidney failure. I was really scared, and took her in to the vet again.

While we were waiting, pup’s back legs suddenly shuddered and she had to sit. I called the technician and she got the vet in. Another blood draw, and her creatinine and BUN levels were off even more - they sent me straight to the University Vet Hospital. I flew there like a bat out of hell – my baby was sick, get out of my way! I was really concerned about not being able to carry her if she couldn’t or wouldn’t walk in – I’ve since learned about the wonderful big-wheeled wagons they use. So I chirped and soothed as I walked her briskly in – no sitting, no time to sniff, let’s go! They’d been notified that we were coming, so they whisked her back to a room as soon as we came in the door. I waited in the lobby, and soon one of the vets came out and said, “she’s very shocky and her heart rate is at 150 – we need your permission to start treatment.” I said, ‘yes, do what ever you need, whatever she needs, do it, go!” The worry was shifting to panic.

A second vet came to get her history – we scrambled for a calendar, and I was so thankful I’d been paying attention to everything she did. “She stopped eating on this date. IV treatment these days, and bounced back. Antibiotics since this date. Diarrhea, lethargy, no appetite at all.” He took his notes and disappeared.

I waited in the exam room for a few minutes, then called M to give him an update. Promising to call as soon as I’d heard anything, I hung up, cried for a bit, then began the wait.

What seemed to be days later and probably only a half hour, the second vet came to say that I could go see her, that she was stable. My sweet pup was on the floor, hooked up to an IV – she lifted her head and wagged her tail a bit, and I just buried my face in her neck. Why was she so sick? What’s wrong? Can she be treated? Was I going to have to make the horrible decision? I couldn’t stand to see her feeling so terribly. They let me sit with her and hold her for a while, then said they had results from some bloodwork, so off to an exam room we went.

“We won’t be 100% sure until we do a stress test, but she’s presenting classically as if she has Addison’s disease.” Before he finished the sentence, I blurted out “ Can she be treated? Will she survive?” He then said that it’s very treatable; that most dogs return to a very normal life, and that of all possible diagnoses, Addison’s was the best one. She needed to go into ICU for further treatment and testing, and I could come visit her tomorrow.

Tomorrow?? Couldn’t I set up a cot next to her and stay? I could sleep in her crate with her; I wouldn’t take up any room at all, honest. I had to leave her?? I’d never been in my house without pup. I got her two weeks after closing on the house, so, ok, two weeks at the very beginning, but she was part of the woodwork, part of the air. It was hollow and lifeless when I got home. I called for updates every few hours. M came over, and we cried and tried to distract ourselves until we could visit the next day.

Visiting hours started at 1, so we were there at 10. I think they understood – there were other parents there already with their little ones, each with bandages or tubes of varying degree. They walked pup out to us and she was weak but happy to see us. She lay down between us and we stroked and scratched and let her nap. Dr. M came to see us after a while, and told us she’d be pup’s primary vet. She’s an Addison specialist and absolutely wonderful. At this point, we hadn’t done much research so most of the terminology flew over our heads. Mineralocorticoids, corticosteriods, adrenodeficiency, creatinine & BUN levels – thank the gods for the internet, which we dove into afterwards. Dr. M gave us the lowdown: monthly shots, daily prednisone, constant monitoring, lots of testing. Translation: this was going to be very expensive, especially for such a big dog (the injection is based on weight and her dose would be $200 a month), and are you willing and able to do it? I said I would figure out a way. Money had been more than tight since my divorce, but I had just received a bonus from work and my tax return, so I could take care of immediate needs. I’ll mortgage the house if I need to, I thought to myself.

The next day, after 3 days in ICU, she could come home! She hadn’t eaten anything while she was there, and they were Very Concerned about it. If she didn’t eat anything once she got home, she’d have to go back in and be given a feeding tube, so I was ready to give her anything. Previous to all of this, I kept her on strictly dog foods and treats. Rarely would she get a steak bone, and it would be washed of salt and all human flavorings. Now, however, the rules had changed – anything she wanted! Oreos! Potato chips! Pizza! Lucky for her, she only wanted more dog-appropriate foods, so she was safe from my zeal. The first few bites she took of the raw burger and rice that I hand fed her brought tears to my eyes – if she eats, she’s going to be ok. I took the first real breath I’d taken in 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks of not eating, Pup had dropped down to 91 pounds and was scrawny. She still had her fur, so it was only really apparent in her face, but under the fluff were ribs and spine, very little squish. Another part of Addison’s is stomach ulcers, which explains her picky and erratic eating patterns. She was put on Sucralfate to heal any ulcers she might have, and within a week, there was a difference. By day 2 home, she had a little kibble with her burger and rice, a small romp on day 3, and at day 5, she was in the yard barking - music to my ears!

She had been on large doses of Prednisone to get her stabilized, and now we had to ease her down to the smallest dose she needed. Too much pred has all sorts of bad side effects, and she had them – agitated, couldn’t sit still, barking at voices in her head, plus damage to her liver. It would take until July to take her off it completely.

and i'm back

2005-04-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

i started this mostly to share my experience of the last year and some dealing with my pup's Addison's disease, in the hope that someone else just beginning the journey might find an easier path, or at least a path that has a few signposts. becoming a caretaker has given me so many gifts, like the ability to wake at 3am perfectly coherent and able to drive like a bat out of hell to the vet, safely. and a patience i never had on my own. and love, such love for my sweet pup and wanting to protect her from nasty bacteria and feeling crappy and getting messy. and knowing i will take. you. out. if you Try to hurt her. the ferocity of motherhood has manifested in my breast and I am Changed. i was not lucky enough to have my very own babes, but that enormous love is still there, and it slops out of the bucket sometimes on unsuspecting passers-by. I just hope it doesn’t stain.

i will post my journal of the last year. she's ok now, darned fine actually, with a few things still to be learned by her humans, but we're a stubborn lot and will hang in there until we've got things just so. she's just too freaking squooshy and adorable not to.

xxoo