aaaaand... i'm back

hoo! may disappeared pretty freaking quickly, didn't it? i went on an actual vacation for two weeks to my sweetie's country of origin, Finland. so gorgeous! met the family - his mom in Helsinki, pops in Marrihamn, Uncle Lars and Cousin Carl, and brother Robert. amazing what things are explained just by meeting relatives of a person - small bits and pieces come together to explain other small bits and pieces. not that anyone really knows all about another person, but i do feel a bit closer to it with m. i really had a wonderful time!

got me thinking about families - biological, those we chose, those that chose us; how we are shaped by everything that happens to us, by our choices, and where we live, and who we are around, and what we do. what an amazing puzzle we all become.

so: is it necessary to figure out our loved ones' puzzle? do we need to answer every question? or is it ok to not know some things? is it ok to have mystery and privacy, or does that mean we don't trust those around us?

there are few people in this world who know everything there is to know about me. actually, no one person knows everything. i have secrets from every person i know. i used to be an open book - full disclosure, all secrets out there, for all to see, and no shame. what changed? do i want to be viewed with more respect, do i have more shame, do i want to control how others perceive me? or do i think that people won't love me unconditionally, because of the secrets or hidden shame?

everyone has an image of themselves, usually skewed. in our minds, we are prettier or handsomer than the reality; smarter, funnier, kinder, more generous, more able. should we see ourselves as others see us? that scares me - i so desperately want to be liked and respected that i fear what people actually think. my denial is sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day. and is that terrible?

and so i wonder just how messed up i am.